My Daughter

The other night the sunset was all sorts of orange and reds....swirling in beautiful patterns in the sky.  Mixed in to the vibrant joyful colors were some grey and black.  This is how my daughter's  days go...one minute they are all sorts of joy and the next minute all she call see is the grey and black.  And from her mouth...from the inside of the dark clouds that shadow over all of the good she was just in...come words of hate and fear and stress.  And all I can do is listen.  She can't hear...she can't reason...she can't see past it.  My daughter has Apserger's...she has anxiety...she is angry with the world.

Most days my heart breaks for her.  I can tell her all the things you would want to tell someone who is under stress...but she can't hear it.  She has so much stress sometimes, that I talked to her about suicide.  She told me tonight that she is not going to make it to the age of 30 because of her stress.  She is 18.  She is scared of being an adult.  She is afraid of the future.  She sometimes says she wished she did not exsist. She has a hard time with noise, and people, and being too hot, or someone touching her or people not following the rules.  

I am writing this partly to process my day and also to open up conversation or awareness.  She just spent the last half hour spewing out things of hate about her life to me and all I could do was listen.  I am blessed that God gave me peace and I just listened and acknowledged her and told her I understood.  And I watched my daughter's heart rate escalate...and watched her cry...and I can't hug her or get too close, because she hates being touched.

 She is smart and sensitive.  She is strong and brave.  She is such a hard worker.  She works harder at school then anyone I know.  She remembers details and procedures and rules.

Asperger's and anxiety partner with each other...dancing together through the life of a person.  Part of Asperger's can be sensory issues...noises to me may seem like nothing...to her sound like a blowhorn right in her ear.  A tap on the shoulder...can ruin her day.  A smell that I didn't even know was in the room...can make her sick.  Textures...just to look at certain ones make her feel funny.

It is easy to think that some kids are being rude or anti social or stand offish.  I use to think that about my own child.  I didn't know what was going on in her precious brain...the things that swirled around in frustration.  They way she takes things literal and can't read others emotions or facial expressions....I didn't know for far too long.  And now God...He has given me peace and grace and patience that I didn't know I had.  And I pray daily that my sweet daughter will know how amazing she is.  I pray that she will be able to see how hard she works and how many obstacles she has overcome and how many hard things she has conquered.

If you are facing a hard situation with a child of your own remember who our God is.  He loves your child and he loves you too.  I trust that God will reveal the plan He has for my daughter and for your child as well.

She is God's workmanship and I see it everyday...even through her anxiety and stress and pain and fear that she has.  I see His work in her even if she can't.  As her parent I will stand in the gap for her until she can see it.

Blessings,
Teresa

Empty

My friend had a dream.  In her dream she opened her wallet and it was empty.  Everything in her wallet was gone.  There were no credit or debit cards.  Her driver's license was missing.  There were no coffee shop stamp cards.  Her money was gone.  Nothing.  Everything was missing.  After she told me about her dream I thought about it quite a bit.  I wanted to analyze it...to interpret it.  I wondered what it could mean.  Did it really mean something or was it just one of those dreams we have and then forget about later?  Was the meaning about watch the spending--give it all away--fear of not having enough?

I am not sure if it meant any of those things.

But what I do know and what God whispered in my ear is that He wants us stripped free of all earthly things.  He wants us not bound to anything--not money, not the security of a debit or credit card, not the hope of a free coffee after getting our ten stamps, not to our family, not our past purchases or lists of things to get done.  But stripped down to nothing--empty of the world's expectations, the world's standards and values and the worlds viewpoint of what we should hold close to us.  Empty so HE can fill us up.

And then God reminded me of a vision that I had around Christmas time.  I was driving through Skagit County on a cloudy, grey, rainy day.  The trees around me were stripped of all their green.  They looked dead.  They looked empty.  The world around me looked bleak and dead and depressing.  There were no flowers, but dead blooms that needed pruning. The bushes were bare limbed plants.  And it was December--just weeks away from celebrating the birth of Jesus--the promise of eternal life.  The promise of a forgiven life.  A promise of light and new life.

And I looked around and I saw no evidence of new life--no promise of green or sun or new growth.  But God reminded me that He chose this time of the year for Jesus to be born---He was born at night, in a barn when the trees were bare and the air was cold and the skies were grey.  A time when the flowers were dead and absent. The only way to really know this promise is to empty ourselves and free ourselves of the world and all the things that hold us to what we deem important.

Where we want things to be in place--to know that we have what we "need"--to want to always have fresh flowers, to have green leaves on the branches--God doesn't see our lives like that.  He says empty yourselves.  When things seem dead and desolate, this is where God does His best work in us.

When the skies are dark
When the trees seem dead,
When there are no fresh flowers.
When no one if present.
When all seems stripped away.
And our reserves are empty.

God gives us life.
God gives us His life.
His Son.
His hope.
Himself.

Empty ourselves
so He can fill us up.

Identity Crisis

In the book of Daniel, God shares the lives of Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah.  When they were brought to Babylon “the chief of staff renamed them with Babylon names.” (Daniel 1:7)  Their names were changed because he wanted them to become Babylonian. 

The name Daniel means “God is my judge” in Hebrew.  His name was changed to Belteshazzar.  Bel means “to protect his life”.  Bel also was called Marduk who was the chief Babylonian god.

The name Hananiah means “the Lord shows grace”.  Hananiah’s name was changed to Shadrach which meant “under the command of Aku (moon god)”.

The name Mishael means “who is like God”.  Mishael’s name was changed to Meshach which meant “who is like Aku”.

The name Azariah means “the Lord helps”.  Azariah name was changed to Abednego which meant “servant of Nego/nebu (the god of learning and writing)”. 

I think of the labels that I allowed to be attached me throughout the years.  Ugly. Dirty. Fat. Disgusting.  Unworthy.  Guilty.  The one who  does not belong.  Not good enough. 

These labels were given to me from traumas, events, from others, from unwise decisions and choices. I saw these labels so often that I began to believe these “new names” that were given to me.  I began to allow these names to dictate my thoughts, actions, and choices.  When God knit me together in my mother’s womb, he said I was his child.  He said that I was loved.  He said I was perfect.  But those names were changed.  The enemy tried his best to strip from me my birthright of the identity that God gave me before I was even born. I started to become what the enemy wanted me to believe about myself…so that I would not be able to complete the plans that God had for me. 

Labels are like having your name changed just as Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah experienced.  But there is amazing…great…incredible news.  Our God given name can never be stripped from us.  It may feel like it.  It may appear that way.  We may look in the mirror and see an identity that is distorted, but God’s identity is woven through each cell of our body.  We are His children.  We are loved.  We are His.  That is who we are. 

Many of us may say, “you don’t know what I have done” or “you don’t know what’s been done to me” or “I am could never see myself that way”.  But let me tell you…someone who has rolled around in the mud and mire…one who has walked in the dark…one has sinned and been sinned against….You are His…I am His.  That is our identity.  The labels, the past, the things we hold on to every day…those are not from God.  God’s identity comes from pure, unconditional love.

Blessings,

Teresa

We are not defeated.

I opened my eyes in the dark of my bedroom, covers piled high, and the silence of the early morning surrounding me.  Although the room was silent, my thoughts were loud and constant.  From the moment my eyes opened and the time my bedside clock alerted me to the hour...my thoughts raced.  I began to talk to God as I always do...but noticed that for the past few weeks...maybe even months my own thoughts interrupt.  My precious quiet time with the Lord in the quiet of my room is flooded with negative thoughts of defeat.  I wake up defeated.  I wake up already done...already to pull out of the game.  I drag through the day with defeat on my mind and defeat in my step.  This morning I did it again.  I was going to get up early and hop on my elliptical machine...but decided the warmth of my covers was more important.  So I woke up defeated.  Why didn't I get up I asked myself.  I am so lazy I told myself.  I got up...and walked in the bathroom...I looked in the mirror...instead of seeing me...I saw my friends who work out...who are fit and motivated...I saw them and their accomplishments...and then I saw myself...the one who doesn't exercise...who isn't fit...whose body isn't where she wants it.  I see the person who has dreams, but isn't doing any of them.  I see the job I don't really like and ask why I am there.  I see the things I think are not good.

I spend more time in prayer...I talk to God.  Because in the interruptions of my own thoughts, that what I do, talk to God.  I hear Him ask me to get on my knees and hear His voice.  So I get on my knees right there on the bathroom floor.  I have to bow down low so that I can hear.  I have to put my face on the ground so that I can hear.  God says that I right where the enemy wants me.  Defeated.  Defeated before I even start my day.  Defeated so I won't do the things God has called me to do.  Encourage.  Solace.  That's what God has called me to do.  How can I do that if I am defeated and discouraged?  God says that I am not too old...that I am right where He wants me.  That all I have to do is remember who has called me...who is my strength...who defines me...who says I am NOT defeated but that the enemy has already been defeated..that I am His.

I get up off of my knees and when I look in the mirror this time, I see what God wants me to do today.  He gives me some names of people I know...He wants me to pray for them...He wants me to encourage them.  So I do.  Not because I think I have something that is better, but because I have been in the mud and mire.  Because I have felt defeated.  Because I have been lost.  And God saved me.  God wants me to see through His eyes and not mine.

I may still "feel" with my emotions the "I am not good enough", but I see with my eyes that God say "I am good enough". We have to rise above the emotions and see through the lens of God's eyes.  Emotions go up and down.  God is always the same.  That is why we must keep our eyes on Jesus.  Earlier I told about a dream I had where Mother Teresa told me to keep my eyes on Jesus.  And it is in these times, I remember her words and her hand on my eyes...because that is why God gave me that dream.

God never changes.
Who we are to God never changes.
So I encourage you today to not give up on our God...because He never gives up on us.
I encourage you today that no matter what you thought when you woke up this morning...God is for you and not against you.
I encourage you to dive in to His Word...get on your knees...pray.
Chose God's thoughts today.
Blessings,
Teresa

Redeemed. Restored. Rescued. Returned.

Redeem
     Restore
            Rescue
            Return

God does these incredible things.
God alone.
God.
His love.
His grace.
His mercy.
His promise.
His Word.
God alone.
His hand reaches down...His peace wraps around us like a blanket.  

He redeems all who were lost.
     He restores all who were broken.
          He rescues all who were held captive.
               He returns all who were went the wrong way.

I remember hearing all of this....my ears were fed these words....they came in by those who loved me...they registered in my thoughts...but as fast as they came in...they went out.  I heard them.  I believed them...for them and others but not me.  If you hear these words and these PROMISES...and you can't quite let them be words for you...
     Stop and read them again.
           Try to understand that they are for you and me....they really are.  Just let yourself believe them even for a minute.\
   Are you saying that God's Word isn't true...that God doesn't mean what He says,,,that you don't trust Him?  I know that is not what you want to think.  But how can we say those words aren't meant for us and believe the Bible at the same time?  
Redeemed you are.
Restored you are.
Rescued you are.
Returned you are.

Even if you don't believe it....I do.
Remember this is my past: Rape. Date Rape. Dated every boy. Two abortions. Made many many bad decisions.  Had my first daughter without being married.  Divorced.  Made an immoral decision that lost trust of many people. (And some of these things I did when I knew Jesus).   But I am Redeemed.   I am Restored.  I was Rescued.  My life was Returned.
I am a new person.
I couldn't believe it.
But I do.
I didn't want to believe it.
But I do.

I am free. 
If you need prayer...please leave a comment or private message me on facebook.
Blessings,
Teresa

Do you flee to God or the other way?

Beth Moore gave her blogging community a homework assignment.

Go to her blog to see the full assignment (Beth Moore Living Proof Ministries.)

The gist of her assignment was to look at three different versions of Isaiah 30:15-18
choose the one that spoke to you the most
look up the work "threat" in the dictionary and state what is a threat in your life in this season
describe what the word fleeing looks like to you
compare 1Peter 5:8-10 and James 4:7 to the Isaiah scripture
And then write about it in the comments of her blog.

First, I love looking at different bible versions of the same scripture.  I get so much insight in to what God is conveying to us as believers of His Word.  And I love words...so defining words and comparing them to my life or scripture gets me excited!

So here is my version of the assignment:

NLT, MSG, AMP (the three versions I compared)

Isaiah 30:15-18 AMP (the one I chose that spoke to me the most)

 ¹⁵ For thus said the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel: In returning [to Me] and resting [in Me] you shall be saved; in quietness and in [trusting] confidence shall be your strength. But you would not,¹⁶ And you said, No! We will speed [our own course] on horses! Therefore you will speed [in flight from your enemies]! You said, We will ride upon swift steeds [doing our own way]! Therefore will they who pursue you be swift, [so swift that]¹⁷ One thousand of you will flee at the threat of one of them; at the threat of five you will flee till you are left like a beacon or a flagpole on the top of a mountain, and like a signal on a hill.¹⁸ And therefore the Lord [earnestly] waits [expecting, looking, and longing] to be gracious to you; and therefore He lifts Himself up, that He may have mercy on you and show loving-kindness to you. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed (happy, fortunate, to be envied) are all those who [earnestly] wait for Him, who expect and look and long for Him [for His victory, His favor, His love, His peace, His joy, and His matchless, unbroken companionship]!

Threat:  an expression of intention to inflict evil, injury, or damage (http://www.merriam-webster.com)

I know that I have experienced much in my life, many hurts, many poor choices, many traumas which now I see and hold on to as a gift.  My story is God’s gift so that I can be an instrument for Him.  At this season of my life as others are beginning to see the restored me, I feel the threat of not “feeling good enough”, believing I have wasted too much time and I can’t minister to others, and retreating to the quietness of my home instead of engaging in fellowship with others. The threat is in the damage to my Christ given identity.  The treat is the voice of the enemy that I combat each day.  The threat is in the “hurry up if you don’t do something you wasted your life” voice I hear.

Fleeing:  In my life fleeing has two looks for me:  One is to retreat to the four walls of my home and not engage in the world.  The other is to try to move things along in a hurried way so that I feel as if I did try, but failed…failed because I went ahead or beyond what I was suppose to do.  I give up, let go, forget the idea, create my own plan…the list goes on.

The insight that God gave me through this exercise is that in everyone’s life the threat of the enemy is there.  The threat looks different to different people.  For one it may be a person, to another being held captive by their past, for another fear of being exposed, another food or alcohol issues, poor decisions, traumas, etc.  The threat “damages” the path that God has for us.  The “threat” damages our identity, our value and our worth.

The “threat” can make us flee from God’s plan or we can press in to God and trust His plan. We can flee from our purpose or we can flee to God and know that His love, His hope, His path is the safe place.  Sometimes we flee back to the thing we are most comfortable in…which can be the destructive, hurt of our past…why not…it is what we know best.  And this is where the choice has to be made.  Because as James 4:7 says we must “humble ourselves before God.  Resist the devil and he will flee from you.”  God restores, redeems, and rescues.  I know.  I have been redeemed from the death grip of the enemy.  But I also know how easy it is to feel the “threat” of the enemy and “flee” back to my own way instead of first fleeing in to the arms of Jesus. 

If you would like to do this on my blog or add to Beth's that would be so fun!  Beth had us write it on a word document first and then copy and paste.

Or if you just want to tell me what is a "threat" in your life right now or something you are "fleeing" from, I would love to hear and pray for you.

Love you all,

Blessings,

Teresa

Garbage Day

Monday is garbage day at my house.  All week we fill the outdoor garbage can with bags from the inside. We dump them in the plastic blue and brown cans...attach the lids.  On Monday mornings we go around the house and empty the garbage form the bathrooms and the last from the kitchen.  We pull the cans to the end of the driveway, set them at the curb, and wait.  We wait for a big truck to come to our neighborhood, grab our trash cans and dump them in the back of their truck.  They set the cans back down...empty.  They take the garbage...it's gone.  Whatever I put in that garbage can is gone.  I bring the empty cans back up to the house to be filled up again.  Throw it away...Take it away...Fill it up again.

I love garbage day.  When the garbage person comes with their big truck and carries away my garbage...I know I will never see that garbage again.  It is gone.

During the day...During the week...our past...our life can seem to fill, be filled with garbage.  Word garbage. Anger garbage.  Hurt garbage.  Unforgiveness garbage.  Abandonment, rejection, lonely garbage.  We tell ourselves garbage.  We hear garbage.  We see garbage.

What can we do with all of this garbage?

We open our bibles and read...soak in...believe the Word of God.

The TRUTH penned in between the worn black leather bound book that I carry from room to room...it holds hope.  It holds restoration.  It takes all of the garbage and tosses it away...and the can...my mind, my heart is refilled with Him.

I know...it sounds so simple.  I know that we can read the Word and not believe it.  I have been there.  I have taken that garbage right back and refilled my mind and heart with it.  But the more and more I let God be God and believe every word in the bible...I know that the only place to get rid of my garbage is to open my Bible and read and choose every day to believe it for me.

My challenge to you today is to let God take your garbage away for good.

You are worth it.

You have purpose...and you are loved.

Blessings,
Teresa

My God Sized Dream(s)

GOD Sized Dreams

http://holleygerth.com/what-if-you-dont-know-what-your-god-sized-dream-is

I am reading "Do What You Can" Plan 21 Days to Making Any Area of Your Life Better (an EBook) by Holly Gerth.  This book is about understanding your God Sized Dreams and taking one step at a time to work towards those dreams.

Today's post is to share my God Sized Dream(s).  My dream is to work full time with the non profit I founded (What Is Beautiful) so that with God I can encourage and minister to women that are held captive by their past, seek their identity in destructive areas, and desire restoration for their lives. Part of my God Sized Dream is to finish my book, create a small group, lead a book study, and whatever doors God opens the doors to.

This all seems so big to me and I can get overwhelmed, causing me stop dead in my tracks...not doing anything at all.  I begin to think of my age...46...I think I am too old and by the time things fall in to place it will be too late.  I begin to think I waited to long.  I begin to think that no one will care what I have to say.  I begin to get discouraged and then I don't do anything at all.  My book stays in the the file folder.  The edits stay on the paper. 

God doesn't see things the way I do.  I see limits.  God sees His plan.  I think it's too late.  God says it is never too late.  I see walls in front of me.  God sees open doors.  I see the impossible.  With God all things are possible. 

Holly Gerth says "do the next thing".  

Take action.

Do something small.

Then do that again and again and again...one thing at a time. 

"God-sized dreams aren't really about size at all they are about embracing and pursuing the desires God has placed within your heart that perfectly fit who you are."  Holly Gerth  

So as 2013 begins, I lay my God sized dream out there...

Launch What Is Beautiful to reach the lost through encouragement and sharing my story of restoration.  Part of that dream is to finish the book I have started.  My dream is to do work in this ministry full time.

So there it is...my God sized dream.

Step one.  Finish edits on chapter 2.  
Step two.  Share chapters one and two with 2 people for editing.
Step three.  Share my God sized dream and ask for prayer and mentoring.

Blessings,
Teresa

Live Free

Happy New Year!
2013

My word(s) for this year:  SACRIFICE, trust, give, serve, love.
My hope for the year:  Live in Freedom.  Live Free.  Live the restored life God has given me.  Live it out.

I fell asleep before midnight last night. I was tired...not just physically tired, but also emotionally and mentally and spiritually.  I woke up this morning...the grass in my back yard is covered in white frost.  The limbs of the trees so still...the tips frozen.  I sensed the quietness of the Lord and just wanted to melt in to it and stay there.  I knew soon my kids would wake up and the noise of the day would start.  I wondered if all of the things swirling around in my head and heart would disappear and my life would resume as normal...or would I begin to live a life of sacrifice....trust...giving...serving...and love. I have to honestly say that I felt disappointed with some of my year...how I handled things...the choices I made...the words I used...the plans I didn't follow through with...the way I have run my family....But I also know that God is a God who restores and redeems.  He offers hope to those who are willing to receive it.  He offers joy to those who are willing to embrace it.  He offers love to everyone...we must allow it.

I fell in to some old ways of thinking and behaving in 2012.  And I began to believe the lies and the familiar thoughts and behaviors...I began to see them as the only way...and then God -he spoke to my heart last week. .He said "Do not go back to Egypt when you have walked the road to Israel."   And I opened my bible and the pages fell to the book of Isaiah.  I read Isaiah 30 "This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel says: 'Only in returning to me and resting in my will you be saved" (v15) "So the Lord must wait for you to come to him so he can show you his love and compassion.  For the Lord is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for his help." (v18)

And then I read this verse..."What sorrow awaits those who look to Egypt for help, trusting in their horses, chariots and charioteers." (Isaiah 31:1)  Sometimes it is hard to put words to the revelation that God gives...but all month I spent bashing myself, reliving the past, eating food to comfort myself, stuffing my fast, then fasting, then doing it again, thinking of my life and feeling I wasted it....speaking hateful words over myself and choosing to live there.  I trusted in the ways of the world...wanting people to approve me...wanting food to comfort me..wanting others to define me,  And then God says "Do not go back to Egypt when you have walked the road to Israel."  God brought me out of Egypt.  I journeyed to freedom.  I walked a hard road to restoration and I sometimes choose to turn around and go back to the old.  But God reminds me that He brought me to Israel for a purpose.  When I go back to "Egypt for help" I go back to a life a sorrow.  That is what "awaits" me there.  That is what I found.  Sorrow.  Pain.  Disappointment. Instead of going back there to live...I get to share how I moved out of there...Out of Egypt.  I do not live there anymore.  When I start to turn around and go back I remember "Your own ears will hear him.  Right behind you a voice will say, This is the way you should go," whether to the right or to the left." (Isaiah 20:21)
And what awaits me in the promised land?

Hope.  Life.  Love.  Comfort from the Father.  Peace. 

I have often talked about the people who walked for 40 years...seeing miracles, getting daily manna, praising God and then falling right back in to their old ways...wanting to go back to Egypt because that is what seemed "easier" for them.  I often thought how I would never have done that.  But here I am. And this is why God wrote those words for us to read...so we would see that Israel is the promised land and Egypt is a place of slavery.  He showed us how even though they saw the miracles with their own eyes that they still tried to go back.  He showed us how He was faithful and provided through the journey and that moving forward to the promised land is what God has planned for all of us.  God didn't place his words for us to read for nothing...He gave us them so that we could live FREE.

This year I will LIVE FREE...as I sacrifice, trust, give, serve, and love.
Will you LIVE FREE with me?
How can I pray for you today?

Blessings as alwaysF,
Teresa

Keep Your Eyes on Jesus

In the midst of trials and life and mountains to climb and in times when things seem to be easy and abundant and even when hearts ache and confusion swirls around my heart sometimes travels to a destination that does not bring peace where do we turn?  My mind becomes full of what ifs, fears, procrastination, regret, and disappointment.  My eyes focus on me.  They focus on my problems, my lack, my troubles...me...me...me.  I become the focus of my life.  Then days waste away and my heart becomes weakened.  This is not God's desire for anyone. 

And then God reminds me of where to look.  How can we focus on God's plan for us when our eyes are deterred? 

I have sat many days and evenings sinking in the mire of the heaviness of life.  I can't pay the bills.  I want to give my kids more.  I don't want Christmas to come because there is not enough money for presents.  The can'ts and won'ts and not enough blanket the future...cover the light and bring fear and condemnation...a feeling of hopelessness.  But those are not our God's ways those are the enemy's ways.  They take our eyes off of Jesus and hope and peace and on to what brings despair and depression. 

I am convinced that God's message to all of us right now is to Keep Our Eyes on Jesus.  I had a dream a month or so ago.  At the beginning of my dream all I could see was my face and the face of Mother Teresa.  Our faces were very close, looking directly into each others eyes.  She lifted her hand to my eye and said to me "keep your eyes on Jesus".  I woke up fully aware of this moment as if it had just happened...as if her hand had just touched my face.  And in these trials and times of uncertainity, I am brought back to this dream and this word from God. Keep your eyes on Jesus.  God knows my future...our future...He knows we need the reminder to keep our eyes on Jesus.   That in the midst of it all we forget where our eyes should be...and they turn to ourselves and all hope seems lost.  But the minute our eyes are on Him, we see a glimmer of light...we notice a friend who needs encouragement...we see a person with a need and can fill it...we take a step forward...and our path is lit.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up.  And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.  We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith."  Hebrews 12: 1-2

I pray that as you go through your day you will be reminded to keep your eyes on Jesus and see what your eyes notice.

Blessings,
Teresa

Redeemed

 

I love this song.

Big Daddy Weave

Redeemed.

The first time I heard this song on the radio my heart connected to it immediately.  If your past or anything that has happened in your life keeps you in chains...know that you are redeemed.  You are redeemed.  Really...get on your knees and listen to the Lord.  Spill out your heart and I know God will speak in to your ear and tell you that you are redeemed.

Listen to this song.

 

According to www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary, the word redeem is defined as:

 to free from captivity by payment of ransom. 

Jesus freed us from captivity when he died on the cross.  "For you know that God paid a ransom to save you from the empty life you inherited from your ancestors.  And the ransom he paid was not mere gold or silver.  It was the precious blood of Christ, the sinless, spotless Lamb of God.  For God chose him as your ransom long before the world began, but he has now revealed him to you in these last days."  1 Peter 1: 18-20

You are redeemed.  Set free.

 

 

(I was trying to get the video from You Tube posted on here but I could not get it to post. Go to You Tube and listen to the official video  It is on my draft but won't post to my blog.  Uggh I am so untechnical!)

 

 

 

Blessings my friends.

Let Go so that we can Receive

In the post http://teresa-henry.blogspot.com/2012/10/letting-go.html I talked about letting go of some of my possessions in order to earn some money to pay my bills.  God often asks us to let go in order for us to be open to Him, to be free of material stuff in order to be free to serve Him. 

This month the Lord has asked me to give so that I can receive more from Him...not material things...but His love, His plan, His purpose...more of Him.  When our hands are grasped around things, then they are often closed to Him.

Something that the Lord asked me to give up was a group of Willow Tree angels that I loved.  I talked about them in the post above.  When I looked at them, they represented hope, healing, courage, and wisdom.  But God reminded me as He asked me to give them up, that He represented those elements.  He was the only source of traits.  He is my healer.  He is the source of my courage.  He is the place I go to for wisdom. 

I remember the day after I sold my things.  I didn't miss any of them, except my angels.  It took me a few days to really understand what God was teaching me.  I cried.  I was sad.  I missed them.

I told my sister Leah about having to sell some of my material things...and that I was sad, but knew that it was just "stuff".  I worked hard to understand that.  She replied to me that her mother-in-law once told her "If God provided it once, he can do it again."

So I thanked God for all I had and decided to trust.  As the week went on I realized that the things I let go of did not define me.  Every time I saw the empty spaces of what I let go of I was reminded of how big our God is.  I was reminded that I will trust Him and He promises to always be with me.  I was reminded that as I let go, I made room for what I was suppose to be focus on...Jesus. 

One night about a month ago I had a very short dream.  As soon as I opened my eyes I knew that God had a message for me.  I dreamt that I was standing in front of Mother Teresa.  It was just her face and mine.  She looked me right in the eye, raised her hand to my eyes and said "keep your eyes on Jesus".  That was the end of my dream.  Every day the Lord reminds me of this dream.  And as I let go, He reminded me again..."Keep your eyes on Jesus".  And my eyes readjust and I trust Him.

And God provided.

This week in the mail I received some boxes and in them were these precious items:

My sweet and generous friend sent me new angels.  God provided once and He did it again.
I let go. 
And was open to God.  I kept my eyes on Jesus.
He cares about the details of our lives.
He wants us to trust Him with everything, knowing that He hears all of what we want, need, hope for.  He gives us what He knows we need and throws in a treat now and then.

Thank you Becky.  You are a true angel.
Your gift meant so much to me. 
I still am in awe of how much God cares about each of us.
Blessings,
Teresa

The Search for the Key.

Just a quick note:  this post is long, but I hope that you will take the time to read it!

So often we search for the answer to the things we face in our life...depression, our past, sin, grief, fear, shame, acceptance, love, our identity.  I did this.  I searched.  I went from one thing to another just to have someone tell me or show me that I was "acceptable".  Soon I carried around a load of sin, a pile of a past, situations and events that choked the life out of me.

As I went through restoration and healing, the Lord gave me this story...I remember the morning I wrote it.  I went for an early morning walk.  I was telling myself how awful my body looked...even through I knew in my heart that my body didn't define me...I was bashing my life..."what if I hadn't gone to that party, made that choice, dated that person, married that person, betrayed that person...what if".  I came home and sat on my bed, grabbed my journal, and this is what I wrote:

The weight of the past dragged behind her.  It was like dragging around a suitcase that was stuffed so full it could barely shut.  It was heavy. It was bulky.  It was impossible to pick up so it up so it had to be drug behind he.r  It was connected to her by chains that resembled handcuffs.  There was no key to be found.  It was attached to her with no hope of being released.  Some days she walked through the day, but forgetting what was even in the suitcase.  It was just so heavy.  Some days the heaviness was evident from the moment her eyes opened in the morning, while still lying in bed, too tired from the weight to swing her legs to the carpeted floor.

When would she find the key to unlock and release this suitcase from her body?  When would the heaviness leave her so she could move with ease and grace?  When would she get through her day with the ability to focus on others instead of the weight of the stuff dragging along with her?  She was so tired. Her body hurt.  Her heart was deflated.  Her strength was gone.  Her vision was blurred.  Her hearing was impaired.  The path in front of her seemed over grown with weeds.

The talk of moving forward seemed impossible.  The talk of making it through the day seemed like too much work.

Where was the key that would unlock the heavy burdens?  Where was it hiding?  She had looked everywhere.  Her friends didn't have it.  Her family didn't have it.  Her kids didn't have it.  The world that promised they had it really didn't. The person she trusted with her heart said he had it, but he never really did.  Who was holding on to the key?  Why couldn't she find it and just unlock the chains?

One day the Word of God was given to her.  It was full of promises.  The words were amazing.  The stories were fascinating.  The emotion was overwhelming.  She read that book over and over.  She heard others speak about it.  She picked up book after book that expanded on it.  She sought counsel to help her understand it.  But that suitcase was still there, dragging behind her. 

Some days it felt lighter as though a piece of its contents were taken out.

She asked over and over to the people she trusted..."When will this be over?  When will I be free?  When can I stop dragging around this heaviness?  I am so tired.  I want it to be over."

The more she read the Word of God that had been given to her, it began to seep in to her hear.  Many days sh read it and was so happy for the other people that it was meant for.  She knew they were loved and blessed.  She knew they had hope, mercy, forgiveness, and grace.  She prayed for them.  She began to speak truth to them.

Years were going by.   Days were piling on top of one another.  The weight of the "suitcase" was beginning to steal her life.  Not just her physical life, but her emotional and spiritual life.  She realized she was adding to it little by little as each day went by.  As soon as one thing was gone, she grasped on to just a piece of its fabric because it was all she knew.  She couldn't let the whole thing go or she would feel naked and alone and she would not know who she was anymore.

She wondered why she would want to hold on to the things that hurt her so much...the things that made her sick, that made her cry and sad and feel paralyzed.

As the Word was planted in her heart she wondered, what if each time she took something out of the suitcase she could just give it to Jesus.  What if she not only have it to him, but she told him she trusted him to throw it over his shoulder and never to give it back?  What if she really believed that he would take it?   What if she really believed that when she held on to it so tightly that she was being selfish and self absorbed.  What if she really grasped the idea that Jesus walked to a cross knowing he was going to die a painful death, just to save her.  What if she realized that as he was walking to that cross, he was NOT thinking about what she wore yesterday or what her physical appearance was, but he was picturing what her heart looked like?

What if she knew He was praying that she would realize that he loved her so much, that he was going to die for her?  He longed for her to realize that He was the way...the truth...the life.  He longed for her to know that He was the only truth.. He never wanted her to have all of those burdens or all of that weight that she drug behind her.  He was grieving with each step he took up to that cross knowing she was going to go so long with out realizing this.  He thought about her with each step he took.  And even though he grieved over he length of time she would chain that heavy suitcase to her, He rejoiced in the day she would hear the Word and realize that it was written for her, that the moment his flesh died, she was set free.  He rejoiced int eh day she realized that the lies spoken to her were lies and that He was "truth".  He rejoiced in the day when all she knew she had to do was love hima nd know he loved her back.

One day she stopped looking down and started looking forward.  One day she knew that she couldn't drag around that weight anymore.  One day she knew that when Jesus was walking to that cross it was her he was thinking about too.  It wasn't just her friend or the person sitting next to her.  And when she bean to realize that and really understand it, she looked at Jesus from a different view and there she saw it.  His hand was extended.  It always had been but she hadn't seen it.  All she could see was the suitcase.  She wasn't looking forward, she was looking behind her.  It was there all along.  Jesus knew she would see it one day.  He held out his hand the whole time, until she was able to get him in to focus.

And it wasn't even a key he was holding in his hand.  But what she saw as a scar...a wound that had healed.  She had searched her whole life for a key.  A certain size or shape or perfect fit to unlock the chains.  Nothing ever fit.  She was searching for the wrong thing.  Jesus had it all along.  His scars.  His love.  His forgiveness.  His patience.  Him.  It was Him.  It was the walk to the cross.  It was the sacrifice He made.  It was the death of his flesh and the resurrection from the grave. 

His scars were the key. His scars are the key.

Her hand extended and touched the scar...she said she could see it.  There was no excuse anymore to not see the scars, the love, the sacrifice.  She had been reading about it, talking about it, sharing it with others, but she never really grasped the concept of the scars for herself.  As soon as she understood that there was no ther choice than to believe it for herself, she felt the chains begin to break.  At first she wanted to run back and grab on to that suitcase for dear life.  Everything she based her existence on for more than 40 years was in that suitcase and without it what would she clothed herself in?

But Jesus said look at my scars.  He said I love you and thought of you with each step to that cross.  He said if you will take my hand and touch my scars you will now be "clothed in strength".  You will now be free of the chains and I will tell you which way to go when you "stand at the crossroads".  That suitcase is no longer needed.  That weight is no longer there.  Let it go and take my scarred hand and know I did it for you.

"For the Lord will go ahead of you.  Yes the God of Israel will protect you from behind (Isaiah 52:12)  He is ahead of you...he is behind you...protecting you...guiding you...loving you...you are forgiven.

The key is the SCARS...the key is the love...the key is His forgiveness.

This is God's story of restoration.

This post is the story that was posted on www.makingmuchofhim365.com on Nov. 7th.  I added one section toward the middle.  I just wanted to post it on my blog as well.  It is a story of God's redemption, restoration, and healing available to all.  May God's love be felt like a blanket wrapped around you covering you in warmth and protection.

I remember the day I heard about the Lord.  I remember what I was wearing, a red sweater and black pants. I remember where I was standing.   It was March 11, 2001.  I was 34.   I began to read my bible like crazy.  I learned scriptures, went to bible studies and retreats.  I plugged in to the church and fellowshipped with other believers.  I began to teach in children’s ministry.  I taught the children all about the bible, told them how much God loved them, and made sure they knew how precious they were to God. 

But all of the scriptures, all of the promises, all of the love…I  believed they were meant for those children, my friends, my neighbors, but not for me---the one with secrets locked inside…the one who was ugly and dirty and bad.

I spent my life hiding.  I spent my life searching for the “thing” that would save me…accept me.  Even when I came to know the Lord, I still searched, because surely all of those beautiful words that I read in the leather bound book could not be meant for me.  Not the one whose family I grew up in was broken and where fears and secrets were present.  Not the one who was 15 and went to a party and was raped—the one who never told anyone and slapped on labels such as ugly, dirty, and guilty.  Not the one who sought love through intimate relationships. Not the one who had a baby without being married.  Not the one who had an abortion---and then another.  Not the one who wore shame, guilt, fear, and disgust all over her body.  Not the one who dated who ever asked her out.   Not the one who was date-raped—who never told anyone.  Not the one who would not eat for days on end just to create an outward appearance that looked in control even though her insides were falling apart.  Not the one who took laxatives to get rid of all of the ugly inside of her and stuffed her face but purged it all out just to feel empty.  Not the one who married someone because maybe that would make her life different, but ended up in divorce.  Not the one who found God but still made an immoral decision that cost her relationships, trust and respect.  Not the one who decided to punish herself and wanted to die, who ate nothing or almost nothing for days until she weighed so little she had to go away and leave her kids.  Not the one who could only see the words ugly and hate and guilty and unforgiveable and disgusting written across her face when she looked in the mirror.  Not the one who had to be in the hospital---the psych ward part of the hospital-- for 12 days and hated herself.  None of those words could be meant for her…

But God sent me people who continually spoke truth in to me.   One was a Christian counselor.  I came to her office with secrets shoved in to the dark parts of my heart.  One day my story---it all came out in this desperate need to be free.  My story, the words, poured out so fast that they stumbled and tripped over one another.  For years the memories, the sin, the hurt, the pain that captured the essence of how I saw myself pushed and fought against the prison wall of my heart.  But I was able to open up and let it all pour out and the darkness was exposed to light.  This person who heard all of my words…all of this darkness, she loved me anyway. She accepted me anyway just as Christ does.   

 (The following is an addition to the story posted earlier.  It shares the entire assignment my counselor gave me).

My counselor gave me an assignment, one that would change my thinking forever..  The homework was to go home and draw pictures of how each event in my life make me feel.  Simple.  Draw.  I am not an artist but I loved to draw simple pictures to symbolize things.

            I had no idea what I would draw.  I took  a stack of white paper and a pencil.  I sat in front of my gas fire place with a magazine on my lap for support.  I thought for a minute about all of the things I revealed to this woman.  I began to draw—fast and without much thought.  It wasn’t until I was done that I even noticed what ended up on the paper.  There was one page for each event that the enemy used to steal bits and pieces of my life.

            I piled them up and put them in a folder.  When I met with my counselor she asked me if I did the homework.  I began to pull the picture out of the envelope.  I think I really looked at them for the first time at that moment.  I noticed what actually made its way to the paper.

            They were images of me without a mouth, limbs in the wrong place, a square head, absent of eyes or ears.  The outline of the images I drew were smudged and faded.  These images, they represented who I saw myself as. 

            I had a distorted view of who I was.

 

She also asked me to draw a picture of myself as God saw me, not how I saw myself, but how the bible said God saw me.  There was no way around it.  He saw me clean.  He saw me beautiful.  He saw me forgiven.  He saw me free.  Little by little I began to believe those words in that leather bound book were meant for me too…that Christ died on the cross for me too.  I began to believe that Christ stripped off all those labels and made me clean.  I began to see myself not through the distorted view of my past, but through the clear image of Christ.  I began to walk in the truth, memorize scripture and believe them for me.    

Our past can choke us.

Our past can hold us in chains.

But I am living proof that there is freedom in Christ.

Now I know I am forgiven.  I am of value.  I am His Child made new through my faith.  I am free.

John 12:46 “I have come as a light to shine in this dark world so that all who put their trust in me will no longer remain in the dark.”

Sharing my story

If you are visiting today from  www.makingmuchofhim365.com/ welcome!
If you are just checking in  today I am over here today  www.makingmuchofhim365.com/          .
(The story may not be posted until later in the day on Wed...so keep checking!)
(I am still working on my blog design so excuse any unorganization!)

 Many of my insecurities came raining down on me this week as I anticipated the publishing of my story.  I say my story even though I know it is God's story...but when I write it out and present it, I allow the enemy to tell me that I didn't make sense, that I didn't say the right things...all of the critical comments that echo in my ear.  But regardless of me or what I do...God is the star of the show.  He restored and redeemed my thoughts and my identity...He took all that was destroyed and made it new.  He lifted me out of the pit I jumped in and set me on solid ground.  What I wrote is just a summary of my testimony...it only gives bits and pieces. But this journey through life..this story...it is God's story...it is a story of darkness turned to light. 

Are things always easy? No
Do I always look in the mirror and see the person God created?  No
Do I always talk true and pure things to myself and only listen to the truth? No

But what I do know is that regardless of how I feel, God never changes.  God's love never changes. 

One of the most important parts of my story is when all of the secrets, the shame, and the guilt became exposed to the light.  When I was able to take all of the things that were stuffed deep inside that choked the life out me...when they were spoken...When they were out there...in the open...in the light, the weight of it all began to lift.  The veil that blinded the truth was lifted.  The lies that were shouting in my ears every day, they were quieted...I want to say they were silenced, but I am still learning to fight.


The following is an excerpt from a book I am writing.  This part of the story starts when I met with my counselor at the eating disorder treatment center and for the first time told my whole story.  Most of it had never been spoken before..almost all of it was stuffed so deep in my heart that I wasn't sure the words would come out.

My life now exposed was suddenly out of the dark and in the light.  The light.  Finally.  My breath that was before so hard to find, that I sometimes had to force in and out, now seemed to flow with ease.  The darkness that swallowed me up and hid me from he truth now had a stream of light shining through.

John 12:46 "I have come as a light to shine in this dark world so that all who put their trust in me will no longer remain in the dark." 

How can exposing all of the darkness--the dirty, ugly places of our life--be good.  How can we share what burdens us, ugly or dark or shameful and think for a moment our life will be any better?

Genesis 1:3 "Let there be light and there was light.  And God saw that light was good.  Then he separated the light from the darkness."  God said light is good.  In this scripture we see that light and darkness are separated.  Light is good. 

If you are feeling shame, guilt, darkness, fear...know that God is light.  He already knows what has happened in your life and He loves you.

If you have darkness that is choking you...keeping you from living the life God has for you...I encourage you today to find a Christian counselor or a person who will speak godly wisdom to you.  Maybe you first need to write out your story first...so that you can see it all written on paper...expose the darkness to the light.  God did that from the beginning.  He said light is good.

A few scriptures to meditate on regarding light:
"The Lord is my light and my salvation, so why should I be afraid?"  Psalm 27:1
"Your Word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path."  Psalm 119:105
"...but even in the darkness I can not hide from you."  Psalm 139"12
"This is the message we heard from Jesus, and now declare to you.  God is light, and there is no darkness in him at all... But if we are living in the light, as God is in the light, then we have fellowship with each other, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, cleanses us from all sin" 1 John 1:5,7 (emphasis mine)

The ultimate glory goes to God.  I shared this part of a devotional with some of my friends yesterday, but wanted to share it again. This comes from Oswald Chambers in his book My Utmost For His Highest.  "If you are going to be used by God, He will take you through a number of experiences that are not meant for you personally at all.  They are designed to make you useful in His hands, and to enable you to understand what takes place in the lives of others.  Because of this process, you will never be surprised by what comes your way."  

Blessings!  May you feel the showers of love that God is raining down on you today!

expectations, comparisons, and analysis

Five teenage girls...maybe sixteen years old...sat circled around a small cafe table.  School was over for the day and their minds were full of the what had happened over the past 6-7 hours.  Their eyes spoke of insecurities and expectations.  Their words they spoke of comparisons and analysis of the girls who walked amongst them today at school.  "Their hair...".  "She wore...and always looks..." dominated the conversation. They spent over an hour of their time criticizing, analyzing, describing others.  I listened as I worked.  They sat in the cafe part of the grocery store where I work.  We are close to the schools and are often a hang out place at the end of a school day.  I was covering that area of the store this day.  I wanted to pull up a chair and sit with them.  I wanted to ask them about what those girls are like...not their looks, but their behavior and integrity.  What were they like as a person?  I had so many questions...why are you so fascinated to spend an hour of your day talking about the clothes, the hair, the boyfriends, the cars of these girls...an hour of their day. 

They are teens...I know...this is normal.  But why is it normal?  It is normal at my age..at any age really. We want to compare.  We want to analyze.  We want to see if we measure up and fit in.  Are we good enough?  Do our clothes or hair look right?  What will others think?  So we break apart the other person...the one who seems like they have it all put together.  What would they do?  What would they wear?  What would they eat?  What boyfriend would they have?  What do they drive?  We want to emulate another person or group of people.

I remember in school wanting to be able to talk, act or dress like some of my friends.   They were so outgoing and I was quiet.  They knew how to have fun and I was afraid of trying things.  They wore cute clothes and had cute bodies and I didn't know how to find my own style.  They...They...They. I wanted to be like them.  Not like me.  I wanted different hair, a different body, a different personality.  I wanted to be liked and accepted.

I wasted so much time wanting to be someone else.

God made me ME...for a reason. I didn't know that.

God made me ME...with a plan in mind.  I didn't know that.

God made me ME...with brown hair and 5'5" with a size 8 shoe.  He gave me blue eyes, a mole on my chin and the side of my nose.  God chose for me to be born at this period in history.  God knit me together with a careful design so that I could serve him in the way he wanted.  But for so long, I wanted to be someone else and change this carefully designed body. 

We aren't someone else.  We never will be.  We will always be the one that God created in the perfect fashion He chose.

Those girls...what if they could have spent that hour...talking about how they are going to use their gifts to serve others...to spend time with others...to do something for others...to speak edifying words over another person.   We all can be like these girls...we want to huddle up at a table and see if everyone feels the same way. 

God wants us to emulate Him.

Today I am going to focus on Him.
Today I am going to put aside my desire to be like someone else...and to be like Him. 
Today if I speak about someone it will be words of encouragement.
God gave me a specific amount of time on this earth.  I want to use it well.

The girls walked away and I have thought of each of their voices since then.  I want them to know that they are perfect and they don't have to compare.  I wonder if I wasn't working that day...would I have been so bold as to pull up a chair and had a conversation with them...an encouraging view in to who they really are...lovely young ladies created for a purpose.

Lord give me a spirit of boldness.
Lord help me speak truth and encouragement to those around me.
Lord help me see the truth of who you created me to be.

You were created for a purpose...perfect the way you are. 

Blessings.

Expectations

Good Morning!

It is 5:25 in the morning.  I have been up for a about a half hour but my mind is still a bit groggy.  My daughter Madie is in the shower and I am waiting for my turn.  She is in a program called Running Start.  This program is available to High School students what are juniors or seniors.  If they qualify they can attend community college classes for free (except books) and earn their Associates Degree and High School Diploma at the same time.  There is an option to do part high school and part college, but Madie chose to do all college classes.  She loves going to college.  The teachers treat them the same, in fact they do not know which students are running start or regular college students except for the fact that most of them look younger!  They are college students.  In the morning, Madie rides the community bus up to the school and sometimes she rides it home.  All of this is new to Madie and such a big step.  Yesterday she had her first mid term.  We have had many tears during homework...writing papers and analyzing text at college level...but she gets up every morning excited about going to school.  This is a huge change for a girl who literally covered her head with her blankets, "hated" getting up for school and was an angry mess every day.   The students at the college accept Madie as she is.  They include her in their discussions, treat her with respect and talk to her with out judgement.  She has longed for years for this. 

Don't we all long to be accepted...to be included...to be treated wtih respect...to be talked to? 

We long for people to look at us and believe we have it all together...we are smart, fit, doing something important...approval.  This morning this has been heavy on my  heart.  I want to be free of that.  I really want to wake up in the morning and not wonder if I am approved or disapproved by people, but living my every day life for God.  I am already approved by God. 

How do we abandon our desire to live up to people's expectations?  How do we keep our eyes focused on Jesus instead?

The world's expectation (or for the most part):  Look a certain way.  Accomplish much.  Acquire stuff.

Jesus' expectation:  Love God.  Love others (our neighbor).

The world's expectations keep our eyes on ourselves.  The expectation of God keeps our eyes off of ourselves and on the needs of others.

I remember a time when I could only dwell on my past, how much time I had wasted and that I wasnt' doing what I thought I was suppose to be doing (ok...I still do that sometimes)...And a woman with godly wisdom asked me "Did you do today well? Did you love God?  Did you love others?" 

My hope is that today you will "do today well" by loving God and loving others.

Blessings.

(note:  I started this message yesterday morning and am finishing it this morning!   It may be a bit scattered!)

Letting Go

Letting go.
Is hard.
Letting go.
Can hurt.
Letting go.
Giving somethings up.
Is hard.

I need to pay my bills.  My hours have been cut.  The Lord said He will provide.  I have been tithing.  I haven't always done that.  Maybe when I "could" based on how I felt.  Now I write my check as soon as I get paid.  Letting go...giving with cheerful heart....knowing God will provide.

I don't have many valuable things in my home.  But I have things I love.  Things that I like to look at and know that are in my house....Like my Willow Tree Angels.  The ones I purchased when I was in treatment for an eating disorder.  I bought one at a time.  Each one has a name on the bottom...mine sat on my shelf..I saw them every day.  Courage.  Healing. Health. Love. Prayer. Wisdom.  Each time I bought one I was in a different place in the healing process.

I have bills that need to be paid.
I am a single mom. 

They are just things. 

A platter with scripture swirled around the edges.  A bag of books.  Wood blocks with encouraging words.   A wrought iron server.  Two hangng wrought iron candle holders.  Two trivets with words of faith.  My angels.

I had to sell them
I had to let go of them
It was hard.
It hurt to hand them to somene else and know I wouldn't see them anymore.
I thought it wouldn't be hard.  They are just things. 
But it was.
I wanted to be strong and tough and all holy...

But
they are just things.
They are just things.
And God does provide.
The money I needed.  It came.  I took some precious items and let go of them,
And God provided.  I let go of my money and tithed and God made a way.  I had to let go though.
I had to give something up first.
It was hard.
Those angels...I loved them so much...but I they are just things.  just things.  just things.
I still have courage.   I still have good health.  I still have wisdom.  I still am healed.  I still am loved.  Even if those angels aren't sitting on my shelf.  I had to let go to receive.  I had to let go to give room for God to do His work.  I had to let go so that I didn't put things ahead of God. 
They way the money came...it was only in a way that God could have fashioned.  It was only in a way that God created.  All of the items were listed individually.  Someone took it all.  She asked what I needed.  She wrote me a check.  I gave her my things.
I tithed....I let go.
I sold things that I loved...I let go.
I let go...and God provided.

"In the same way, those of you who do not give up everything you have cannot be my disciples."
Luke 14:32-34

If I believe everything in the Bible...then I get to let go so that I can give and serve and share faith. 

A Story to Tell

Wikepedia states that the definition of story is "the recounting of a sequence of events".  I love to read stories.  I love to hear stories.  On of my favorite times as a Kindergarten teacher was reading stories.  I used stories to teach math, language arts, social studies.  I love that characters and plot lines bring people in and captivate their attention.  Stories can teach a lesson, make people laugh, help someone understand a difficult concept.  Stories tell...they can tell of life's fortune and misfortune, of setbacks and triumphs, of gains and losses. 

Yesterday during worship the Lord whispered in my ear that I must share my story.   I know that the Lord has given me a testimony to share.  I started the non profit What Is Beautiful as an avenue for that.  I am slowing (and too slowly at that) writing a book.  I have shared my story early on in this blog.  I have shared with people who have asked.  But during worship the Lord was clear, that the time is coming that I must share my story.  I am not sure what that looks like.  During prayer after worship the pastor asked us to pray for something that the Lord placed on our heart.  I prayed not for provision, which we need badly, because when I started God said "I already said I would provide".  I started to pray for my children,  God said "I already said I would take care of them".  So I prayed for what felt urgent in my heart and that was "how to tell the story of how God restored me so others could be restored". 

I had to work in the afternoon yesterday (Sunday).  On my break I got out my journal and begin to write a few notes:

Stories:  God used stories.  The Bible is full of stories of people.  God used peoples stories to share wisdom, lessons, pains, hurt, triumphs, redemption, and their journeys so that we could learn and have guidelines....so that we had an example of how He wanted us to live or not to live...so that we had a way already forged out....so that we could learn. 

God used stories to tell the good and the struggles...not just the good.  He shared restoration, redemption, strengths, weaknesses, guidance.  God used stories.  Jesus used stories. 

God showed us David...He could have just shared the little Shepard boy David who faced a giant with three stones and won.  He could have just shared how David was favored by the people and made a great king who fought and won many battles.  But God showed us more.  He showed us his affair and how he handled that mess and in the end a person died...and then his own newborn died...God showed the struggles his sons had and how he wasn't the perfect parent.  But he also showed us David's heart and how he loved God...sought God...even through the heartache and the sin...even when David seemed far from God, we got to see the restoration.  And there are so many others...I could list out so many times God showed restoration...all parts of people's stories so that we could know how to live...so that we could know that there is a promise of restoration in the Bible. 

On any page of God's Word we can find a story.

So I love that this morning I read this blog post http://www.marlataviano.com/ ....about telling stories.  The title of her blog..."wanna share your story?"  Love...when God speaks something to my heart (I want you to share your story) and the next day I open my email and someone says "wanna share your story?"

My then events in my story are many...events that stole my identity...but God...He restored and redeemed my life.  Alcoholic member of my family brought secrets, fear, and a stripping of my voice.  Rape as a teen brought more secrets, fear, shame, and guilt.  Searching for love and identity in relationships and my outward appearance.  Eating disorder.  Abortion not once but twice.  Date rape in my twenties.  A marriage ending in divorce.  An immoral decision that brought so much shame and guilt, I wanted to die.  The eating disorder...it almost took me there. Treatment center, hospital stay (psych ward).  But God...He never took his eyes off of me.  He placed people in my life that never gave up on me.  He never stopped holding out his hand and when I took it He never let go.  Healing.  Restoration.  Redemption.  Forgiveness.  Joy. Peace. Love. Still hard many days...but my eyes they have to stay on Jesus...I have to stay in the Word.  I have to stay connected to those who love Jesus. 

That's my story in one paragraph.

Thank you Jesus for your saving grace.

Overcoming Fear

Fear has a way of settling in my heart.

It becomes a barrier, a wall, a mountain.  

Fear holds us back.  It keeps us from normal everyday life.  It keeps us from our God calling.  It keeps us from demonstrating His love to others.

My middle daughter is learning to drive.  Before she turned 16 she told me she didn't want to learn.  She didn't care about getting her license.  She said it was "no big deal".  I didn't push the issue.  But one day I asked her if she wanted to go to the elementary school parking lot in town and try driving out.  Panic struck her face and she said no.  I didn't push the issue.  I really wanted her to just try it out.  I asked her again a week later.  I told her she could drive 100 feet in a straight line and be done...just try it once.  She finally agreed.  

On a Sunday after church her and I got in the van and I drove us to the empty parking lot.  It's big and open and the best place to practice.  She got in the drivers seat.  I began to talk to her about the gas pedal, the brake, the parking brake, the gear shift (park, reverse, and drive).   I told her about the steering wheel.  We talked about when she learned to ride a bike and how at first she pushed the brakes hard and she jerked to a stop...but soon she learned how to push them just right.  I told her it would be the same with the car.  We adjusted the mirrors.  We fastened our seat belts.  We turned the ignition.  She put her head in her hands and cried.

I gave her a minute to cry.

I asked her what was making her cry.

Fear.

She was scared.

She didn't want to have the responsibility of driving.

She was scared.

Fear held her back all these months.  The reason she said no.  The reason she didn't want to try.

Fear.  It became a barrier.

I told her it was okay.  That I wouldn't let her try if I didn't think she could do it.  I told her I believed in her and that is why we were sitting in the parking lot in the first place.  I told her just to go straight  and stop and we could be done, but she had to try.  She could do it.

She drove a few feet...and then a few more...and then some more...and then a half hour later I got in the driver's seat and drove us home.  

She conquered fear.

She stood up to it.

She tried.  She took one step, which led to another, which led to another, which took her around the parking lot.

She got her permit. 

Now she wishes she had done it sooner.

She has to wait to get her license until after driver's ed.

She conquered fear, but it stole time.  

My sister and brother in law graciously let her borrow one of their cars for a while...to use as her first car.  

We practice.  She rides the bus to school.  She has conquered more fears....intersections, driving over 35, parking, getting gas.  But she is sad that she is 16 and has to wait to get her license.  Fear stole time.  

At church last week, I was thinking on things that were not lovely....the things that I allowed fear to steal from me.  I was thinking about worry....and the book I am writing for the last three years and am afraid to finish...my master's degree I started and afraid to finish...the non profit I started and afraid to pursue...fear it steals time.

But God showed me...

He parted the Red Sea.

He moved a mountain.

He saved Daniel from the lions.

He made the sun stand still.

He healed the sick.

He raised the dead.

He didn't do this for himself.  He did it for us.  For me.  

So that I could write my book.

So that I could speak truth to the lost.

So that I could share my story and bring hope to the hurting.

So that you could serve in His name.

So that you could love your neighbor.

So that you could love your own children and raise them in His name.

So that you could do the things He called you to do...whatever that is.

God conquered fear for us.

God restores the stolen time that fear takes.

Madie is going to take driver's ed next month.

She was given an amazing gift of a car to drive.

Her time is being restored.

Fear...take one step today to show it that it can not steal anymore time from the things you are called to do.

Psalm 34:4
"I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me.  He freed me from all my fears.  Those who look to him will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces."

Under the banner of God let go of fear.  Here are some practical steps:
1.  Get in the car.
Take the first step. Whatever it is, take one step forward.  Like Madie who was afraid of driving, she got in the car and sat there.  The first step. 

2.  Fasten the seat belt.
Pray and be prepared.  Buckle in and get ready for an amazing ride.

3.  Put the car in drive.
Get ready to be in motion. 

4.  Pull the parking break.
Let go and let God put you in motion. 

5.  Push the gas pedal.
Move forward.  Just go straight ahead.  Don't look back.

6.  Take a practice drive.
Just do it. 

7.  Keep going.
Get back in the car again.

What if we sit in fear all of our lives and never know the drive that God has in store for us.  It is a beautiful ride.


In Love,
Teresa