A Piece of my heart: Part 2

Part 2 of a chapter from my book. See yesterday for the first part.

She asked me the same question she has most likely asked to everyone who walks through her door for the first time. She asked me what brought me there. I replied, “I have an eating disorder.” A pause in the air gave room for more. She knew there was more. I took my time because I was afraid to talk. I was afraid to say anything at all. I didn’t want to tell my story. But I needed to let it go. I was afraid to talk. But for some reason I thought I could trust the person sitting across from me and asking me what brought me there.
And in that moment, in the midst of my fear, my story—it all came out—pouring from my heart like a dam being burst open. The words they poured so fast that they stumbled and tripped over one another. Each word raced to be released from behind the wall—the wall of despair—of darkness—of captivity. All of my words, emotions, and all of the truth spilled out over the edges of the tall thick wall of darkness. For years the words, the memories, the sin, the hurt, the pain, the agony that captured the essence of who I saw myself as pushed and fought against the prison wall of my heart. But now, in the corner office, sitting in the sage green chair, my feet pulled under me, my eyes unable to meet the recipient of my words—the wall breaks open and from behind the wall it all pours out.
Everything I could remember at that moment came out in bits and pieces, words and memories jumping over each other, like the beat of a song set on too fast of a rhythm. It all tumbles out. How long had it all been piling up? How long had that wall been under pressure? The wall it finally broke and at the bottom of the spilled out pool of words was a broken and scared girl hoping for freedom. At that moment the recipient of my words does not reject me. She does not condemn me. She embraces me as my words choked out. She heard me. She heard my pain and regret and repentance and shame and guilt and she embraces it.
The dam had burst and the wall had broke. My life now exposed was suddenly out of the dark and in the light.
The light.
Finally.
My breath that was before so hard to find, that I sometimes had to force in and out, now seemed to flow with ease. The darkness that swallowed me up and hid me from the truth now had a stream of light shining through.
The light.
It exposes.
Light brings clarity.
I had hid so long from the light. I hid from the exposure. I hid in the darkness. At night I pulled the covers over my head and wailed from the pain and the fear of the light. I feared exposing all of the shameful moments of my life. And now in this corner office, the light was impossible to avoid. And I read again from Psalm 38. “My guilt overwhelms me. It is a burden too heavy to bear.” Please release me from the pain and fear, the shame and guilt, the grossness, the hate and disgust that I feel.
My eyes, they want to see this recipient of my words. They want to see why she is able to embrace me. I am exposed and naked.
And God—He opens up the heavens and His glory reigned down in that little corner office. I climbed out of that chair and I fell to my knees and this time I poured out words of forgiveness and repentance.
On that day, the day the words came out from behind the wall—the wall broke—one brick at a time. This is my journey from brokenness to restoration.
One brick at a time.
That is what light does.
Join me in the story of restoration. Let me tell you the rest.
I got up off the floor, my knees still feeling the impression of the rug and my body; it felt lighter even though I was exposed. John 12:46 “I have come as a light to shine in this dark world so that all who put their trust in me will no longer remain in the dark.”
How can exposing all of the darkness—the dirty, ugly places of our life—of who we see ourselves as, be good? How can we share what burdens us, ugly or dark or shameful and think for a moment that our world will be any better?
Genesis 1:3 “Let there be light and there was light. And God saw that light was good. Then he separated the light from the darkness.” God said light is good. In this scripture we see that light and darkness are separated. Light is good. How might you be asking can light be good right now? What if the things you are holding on to seem too big and too bad to be exposed? Light is good. Stay on my journey and you will see.