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Many of my insecurities came raining down on me this week as I anticipated the publishing of my story. I say my story even though I know it is God's story...but when I write it out and present it, I allow the enemy to tell me that I didn't make sense, that I didn't say the right things...all of the critical comments that echo in my ear. But regardless of me or what I do...God is the star of the show. He restored and redeemed my thoughts and my identity...He took all that was destroyed and made it new. He lifted me out of the pit I jumped in and set me on solid ground. What I wrote is just a summary of my testimony...it only gives bits and pieces. But this journey through life..this story...it is God's story...it is a story of darkness turned to light.
Are things always easy? No
Do I always look in the mirror and see the person God created? No
Do I always talk true and pure things to myself and only listen to the truth? No
But what I do know is that regardless of how I feel, God never changes. God's love never changes.
One of the most important parts of my story is when all of the secrets, the shame, and the guilt became exposed to the light. When I was able to take all of the things that were stuffed deep inside that choked the life out me...when they were spoken...When they were out there...in the open...in the light, the weight of it all began to lift. The veil that blinded the truth was lifted. The lies that were shouting in my ears every day, they were quieted...I want to say they were silenced, but I am still learning to fight.
The following is an excerpt from a book I am writing. This part of the story starts when I met with my counselor at the eating disorder treatment center and for the first time told my whole story. Most of it had never been spoken before..almost all of it was stuffed so deep in my heart that I wasn't sure the words would come out.
My life now exposed was suddenly out of the dark and in the light. The light. Finally. My breath that was before so hard to find, that I sometimes had to force in and out, now seemed to flow with ease. The darkness that swallowed me up and hid me from he truth now had a stream of light shining through.
John 12:46 "I have come as a light to shine in this dark world so that all who put their trust in me will no longer remain in the dark."
How can exposing all of the darkness--the dirty, ugly places of our life--be good. How can we share what burdens us, ugly or dark or shameful and think for a moment our life will be any better?
Genesis 1:3 "Let there be light and there was light. And God saw that light was good. Then he separated the light from the darkness." God said light is good. In this scripture we see that light and darkness are separated. Light is good.
If you are feeling shame, guilt, darkness, fear...know that God is light. He already knows what has happened in your life and He loves you.
If you have darkness that is choking you...keeping you from living the life God has for you...I encourage you today to find a Christian counselor or a person who will speak godly wisdom to you. Maybe you first need to write out your story first...so that you can see it all written on paper...expose the darkness to the light. God did that from the beginning. He said light is good.
A few scriptures to meditate on regarding light:
"The Lord is my light and my salvation, so why should I be afraid?" Psalm 27:1
"Your Word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path." Psalm 119:105
"...but even in the darkness I can not hide from you." Psalm 139"12
"This is the message we heard from Jesus, and now declare to you. God is light, and there is no darkness in him at all... But if we are living in the light, as God is in the light, then we have fellowship with each other, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, cleanses us from all sin" 1 John 1:5,7 (emphasis mine)
The ultimate glory goes to God. I shared this part of a devotional with some of my friends yesterday, but wanted to share it again. This comes from Oswald Chambers in his book My Utmost For His Highest. "If you are going to be used by God, He will take you through a number of experiences that are not meant for you personally at all. They are designed to make you useful in His hands, and to enable you to understand what takes place in the lives of others. Because of this process, you will never be surprised by what comes your way."
Blessings! May you feel the showers of love that God is raining down on you today!