Friday, July 18, 2014

My Daughter

The other night the sunset was all sorts of orange and reds....swirling in beautiful patterns in the sky.  Mixed in to the vibrant joyful colors were some grey and black.  This is how my daughter's  days minute they are all sorts of joy and the next minute all she call see is the grey and black.  And from her mouth...from the inside of the dark clouds that shadow over all of the good she was just in...come words of hate and fear and stress.  And all I can do is listen.  She can't hear...she can't reason...she can't see past it.  My daughter has Apserger's...she has anxiety...she is angry with the world.

Most days my heart breaks for her.  I can tell her all the things you would want to tell someone who is under stress...but she can't hear it.  She has so much stress sometimes, that I talked to her about suicide.  She told me tonight that she is not going to make it to the age of 30 because of her stress.  She is 18.  She is scared of being an adult.  She is afraid of the future.  She sometimes says she wished she did not exsist. She has a hard time with noise, and people, and being too hot, or someone touching her or people not following the rules.  

I am writing this partly to process my day and also to open up conversation or awareness.  She just spent the last half hour spewing out things of hate about her life to me and all I could do was listen.  I am blessed that God gave me peace and I just listened and acknowledged her and told her I understood.  And I watched my daughter's heart rate escalate...and watched her cry...and I can't hug her or get too close, because she hates being touched.

 She is smart and sensitive.  She is strong and brave.  She is such a hard worker.  She works harder at school then anyone I know.  She remembers details and procedures and rules.

Asperger's and anxiety partner with each other...dancing together through the life of a person.  Part of Asperger's can be sensory issues...noises to me may seem like her sound like a blowhorn right in her ear.  A tap on the shoulder...can ruin her day.  A smell that I didn't even know was in the room...can make her sick.  Textures...just to look at certain ones make her feel funny.

It is easy to think that some kids are being rude or anti social or stand offish.  I use to think that about my own child.  I didn't know what was going on in her precious brain...the things that swirled around in frustration.  They way she takes things literal and can't read others emotions or facial expressions....I didn't know for far too long.  And now God...He has given me peace and grace and patience that I didn't know I had.  And I pray daily that my sweet daughter will know how amazing she is.  I pray that she will be able to see how hard she works and how many obstacles she has overcome and how many hard things she has conquered.

If you are facing a hard situation with a child of your own remember who our God is.  He loves your child and he loves you too.  I trust that God will reveal the plan He has for my daughter and for your child as well.

She is God's workmanship and I see it everyday...even through her anxiety and stress and pain and fear that she has.  I see His work in her even if she can't.  As her parent I will stand in the gap for her until she can see it.


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