Part One - My Story

Through much prayer and encouragement I am going to be sharing my story. I have decided to do it in parts. I am still praying about how to talk about parts of my story. This blog will be an avenue for me to practice the telling of my testimony.

There is a lot to my story and parts I will be discreet about in order to honor some people involved. I hope that whoever reads this and is willing to leave a comment, either with name or anonymous. I would love feedback. I am in the process of writing a book and need critics/encouragers. :)

So as I begin the first part of my story, I am actually going to begin with last year first. Most people who know me right now, have seen me battling an eating disorder. The eating disorder was just an mask to cover the pain I was feeling based on events in my life. But I had to recover from the eating disorder and in the process I was able to work through the other things. The eating disorder took over my life...the eating disorder was the only thing I could focus on. It was a protective shell because I was held captive by my past, cloaked in shame and guilt. I wrote the following piece in March but think it is a good representation of last year. So here it goes...........

In February of 2008 I entered an intensive program for an eating disorder that was taking the life out of me. I was on a downward spiral, digging myself deeper and deeper into a pit of despair. I was in chains. I was held captive. I was in darkness. I could not see any light. To me there was no hope.
At the time I did not see the depths of the darkness, the heaviness of the burden that I was carrying, or the death of my spirit that had been occurring over the years and now become the identity I place upon myself.
My identity had been built upon a shaky foundation. It was created out of desperation and confusion. The foundation of my life was unrecognizable. The life I lived was built out of recycled, rotten, broken, and hollow wood. It was set upon an uneven ground. It was furnished by an enemy that lied, deceived, and was out to steal and kill and destroy. In order to appear in control, I painted the outside, layered it with whatever I could find to make it appear clean and have outward perfection. It wasn’t recognizable anymore. I wasn’t recognizable anymore.

The Center for Hope and Counseling is located in Edmonds, WA. The concept is to treat the whole person. Most of the counselors are faith centered and patients are able to incorporate that in to treatment. The intensive programs that are recommended can last for as long as the patient and counselors think are needed.
In February when I entered the intensive program, I had chosen to stay there for four weeks. I made the choice to take a leave from my teaching position. I made a choice to leave my own children for 4 weeks. I ended up going back in June but that part the story will be told later.

Patients (clients) are given a team of counselors, including a naturopathic doctor, and nutritionist to work with. On my team was someone who will have an eternal affect on my life…on my recovery…on my walk with the Lord. She was (is) one of the counselors from The Center. Over the first few visits, I knew that I had to open up to her and just let all of the truth of my life spill out. Some of the things that I told her, I had hadn’t even realized the impact that they had made on me. During one of our first visits I read a scripture to her…it was Psalm 38. It was the only thing I could find that embodied how I felt. It summarized my life at the moment. It was the only part of the bible I could read that I was able to believe to be true. I could read nothing else because I was a deceiver. I was cloaked in shame and guilt and fear. I hated who I was, who I had become. And the only way to live was to punish myself. And to punish myself I partnered with the enemy and allowed an eating disorder to become my way of life.

Psalm 38: 3-8 “…my whole body is sick; my health is broken because of my sins. My guilt overwhelms me-it is a burden too heavy to bear. My wounds fester and stink because of my foolish sins. I am bent over and racked with pain. All day long I walk around filled with grief. A raging fever burns within me, and my health is broken. I am exhausted and completely crushed. My groans come from an anguished heart.”
My counselor encouraged me to read Psalm 40 instead. Psalm 40:2-3 "He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord."

I tried…but I was not at a place where I could believe anything other than Psalm 38.
This blog represents portions of the process that I went through to be finally free. I finally understood what it meant to have Jesus as my Savior. Freedom involves the stripping off of the layers of rotten, hollow, broken pieces of wood that formed my identity. Freedom is the discovering of God’s incredible grace, love, and forgiveness. Freedom is the choices that I made along the way that took me from standing at the crossroad, to stepping into the “old, godly way”. It is the decision to believe and live in the truth and how I chose to fully hand over my life to Jesus once and for all.

Today I weep the most incredible tears of joy as I finally chose freedom, and I stopped standing at the crossroad and took a step in to truth. Today I discover that I no longer want to live in bondage. Today I feel the urgency to use the trials that I have faced and encourage, support, and educate others that they can be free as well. There is NOTHING too big for our God. There is NOTHING that will surprise Him. There is NOTHING too dark, too hard, too ugly, too bad that God can’t handle. Remember He already knows. He already and always loved you. He adores you. He cherishes you. He can’t wait for you to believe it. Believe it. It is true.

Recently I wrote in my journal the following entry:
I am finally free, then that means all I’ve known is gone and I have to live in this new freedom—I get to live in freedom. Understanding the enormity of all of this, it means choosing to live for God or choosing to live for this world. I am not a victim. God is calling me and I can no longer stand at the crossroad—I have to step in to the truth—put my foot in to the water and know it will part (Joshua 3)! The more I allow the Word of God to saturate in my heart—my memory—I cannot deny or ignore the Truth anymore. I was made for more than this. God has bigger plans for me. My body does not define me. My identity is not in this world but in who God created me to be. God says to care for the temple as Christ loves the church. If I truly love and trust God---if I truly stand firm on His Word as truth—then I have NO other choice than to do all I can to live in the truth—to do all I can to live as God wants me to—how He planned for me to live—there is NO other choice.

God tore down the home that I had built on my own and rebuilt the identity that for so long stood at the forefront of my believes. I didn’t just get a remodel; God gutted out all that I thought was true and replaced everything with His truth. My truth was based on lies. God's truth sets us FREE!

In love,
Teresa