Part Two-My Story

As a child I never doubted that I was loved. I grew up camping, skiing, went to Hawaii and Disneyland, had a vegetable garden, farm animals, rode horses, and went to tons of family gatherings. One component that was missing was God. One component that was present was dysfunction and chaos amid the love. There were divorces, remarriages, alcohol, and fear. On the outside things looked great, but on the inside there was turmoil amongst the love. Not many people knew of the things going on inside our home.

Because there was not a relationship with God and because of the dysfunction, I did not have moral, integrity based standards on which to stand upon. (It is really important that I make it clear that I do not hold anything against anyone in my family...everyone did the best they could at the time. And I now have good relationships with all.)

When I was 15 I went to a party with some friends. There was drinking involved and people I didn't know. I was raped. I don't know who it was. I didn't tell anyone and stuffed it deep in my heart. The next day I went on as if nothing happened. But it became apart of my identity.

I had a lot of friends in High School, but I was also very quiet. I spent a lot of time following the crowd, doing whatever they were doing...drinking and experimenting with marijuana. I went to parties that included alcohol and loud music.

I went off to college in the fall of 1984...and this is where the eating disorder first entered my life. I wanted to fit in. Everyone else was full of life, skinny, and fun to be around. I was quiet, boring, and skinny (although I didn't think so). When I started losing weight, people noticed me and I started dating.

The following year, I moved back home and started at a local Community College. I started dating someone which lasted 2 years. During that time, I went back and forth with the eating disorder...I would starve for days and months...go back to "normal" and starve again....this went on and on. In 1988 I found out I was pregnant and in June of '89 gave birth to my beautiful daughter Megan. I was a single mom. Her father got married to someone else soon after her birth (we are since friends). She became my focus and my life (love, love, love her!).

Following her birth, I dated quite a bit. I didn't know how to relate to anyone...I had no self image or identity with which to draw upon. I thought all men wanted me for was my body. That became the only way I could relate.

A few years went by and I found myself in an abortion clinic. I shook so hard on that bed, that they had to stop several times and said they couldn't go on if I didn't calm down. I left empty and guilty and filled with shame. Only 2 people knew. I would not talk about it. I stuffed it deep in to my heart. The next day I went on as if nothing happened. But it became part of my identity.

I began to date a nice man. He loved spending time with both Megan and I. On New Year's Eve, we all celebrated together at his house. During the night I was date raped by him. I was left in the living room with no clothes on and was found by his roommate. I stuffed it deep in my heart. I did not tell anyone. The next day I went on with my day as if nothing happened. But it became part of my identity.

A year later, I began dating someone else. He was a single dad with a daughter Megan's age. We all spent a lot of time together. I found out I was pregnant. He drove me to the same abortion clinic. I left empty, guilty and filled with shame. I stuffed it deep in my heart. I didn't tell anyone else. The next day I went on as if nothing had happened. But it became part of my identity.

These events covered me with shame and guilt. Everything was so stuffed inside my heart, that I couldn't even tell what was in there anymore. It was one big ball of darkness, infesting my heart, my thoughts, and my identity. All I knew was that I murdered 2 children and didn't have any morales. I was ugly on the outside and the inside.

I was convinced that if anyone found out about the real me...no one would like me...so striving to look 'perfect' on the outside was always my protective shell and an eating disorder (anerexia) was the avenue towards hiding the inside.

I am going to end here for today...although I will be praying on how to share some of the events in the rest of the story.

I am so incredibly full of praise for the God I now know...because with out Him, I would have withered away in the depths of my heart...that was filled with sadness, guilt, and shame. These events morphed my identity in to a disfigured spirit...empty and lost. I wish I could share on here the pictures I drew that show how I saw myself...but you will be able to see those in my book!

Please don't feel sorry for me...I am not sharing this for pity or anything like that...By the end of this I want you to know that there is NO way possible for me to be living in freedom if it were not for GOD's ability to set His captive free.

In love and freedom,
Teresa