I am going to publish this post although I am not sure it came out how I wanted it to...As I read through it and previewed it, I am not sure I told it in the way the Lord wanted me to. So forgive me, if it is pieced together, confusing, or not understandable.
As the Lord has inspired me to share my story, the enemy has been attacking me from all angles trying to stop me from carrying out what God intended for good. This week I wasn't sure I was going to be able to continue in sharing, but last night God's love showed me the path forward. So today, I look forward to sharing another part of how God's grace, mercy, forgiveness, and unconditional love freed me from captivity.
In 1995 I married. I thought it was the answer to whatever it was that I was missing in my life. I wanted to be rescued. From the beginning our marriage was a battle. Within the first 3 years I had my daughter Madie and my son Jack.
From 1995 through 2001 I had been going to a church and the Word was planted in my heart although I never heard the message of salvation. I went to church on Sunday, sang the hymns, heard about people in the bible, and read prayers right out to the bulletin. But I did not understand there could be a relationship with God. I did not understand who God desired to be in my life. I did not live out His Word.
In 2001, my friends invited me to the church I go to now. My marriage was full of fear and dysfunction--a lot of the same things going on in my home as I grew up. One Sunday I went to church with my friend and for the first time actually heard the message of salvation. God's presence reigned down on me like I could never imagine. That day I gave my heart to the Lord. I began to read my bible, go to church with my kids every Sunday, went to every bible study and event I could get to, started helping in Sunday School and built my friendships with the people I met there. I was baptised later that year.
My past still haunted me. It was still neatly tucked away for no one to see. I was still living in my past...looking in to the mirror and seeing the person who could choose the abortions...who was raped...who made choices that were overwhelmingly wrong...
In 2003 my husband and I were separated. In 2004 our divorce became final. I was on my own again with three children. My church was amazing and I dove deeper in to the Word, into leadership, and went back to school and earned my BA and teaching certificate. But I was still held captive by my past and I still did not have a strong foundation on which I could stand...even though I was in the Word and I prayed, I did not understand who I was in Christ. I loved God, but I still could not believe that He loved me. I did not understand how He could possibly forgive me for the things I had done. I would pray through the events, ask for forgiveness, lay it at the Cross...but I did not forgive myself or know how.
In 2005, I made a decision that would pile on the final blanket of shame...It was a decision that would leave me paralyzed in guilt and shame...and the enemy wanted this to be the event that pushed me over the edge and finally take me out. This time the choice I made became known to many people, so I could no longer hide the terrible person I had believed that I was. I am not going to expand on this event because I don't feel released to give out the details yet. I lost respect, some friends, and my dignity.
Many people walked with me through confession, repentance, and began the road of restoration with me. I have had much support and definitely learned the meaning of grace and mercy. I will talk about that in the next and last part of this story...
Because of this event, every step that I took I felt condemned.
I had worked through many things when I went to the clinic for my eating disorder in March, but I still had not forgiven myself or was I able to find my identity in Christ. I still felt the shame of this event, and the events of my past. The shame was so overwhelming it affected every thought I had. There were times that I felt that I was doing well...walking through it...but because of two things I kept coming back to the believe that I was terrible...rotten...unforgivable...disgusting...and those two things were: not being able to forgive myself and not understanding who I was in Christ.
In June of 2008, I began to lose more weight. I was consumed with punishing myself and like I said before, the eating disorder became my tool. Many people began to come to me with concern and warned me of the consequences of what I was doing. I could not see any other way out. I was so consumed with shame and guilt that I wanted to die...I didn't want to leave my kids, but my spirit was dead and my hope was gone. I went back to the clinic and eventually had to go in to a hospital, because I was not willing to eat enough to gain weight. I was gone from my kids for 6 weeks. They were losing me because I was unable to remove the cloak of shame that I wore. I was locked up in chains and felt bound to all I had done. I was losing the battle in my own strength.
This picture is of me the night before I went back in to the clinic in June. I took this of myself but it shows the depths of how lost I felt.
Tomorrow I will share what has brought me to today. God is so good. I hope that you will be able to see that through my story.
In love...Teresa
As the Lord has inspired me to share my story, the enemy has been attacking me from all angles trying to stop me from carrying out what God intended for good. This week I wasn't sure I was going to be able to continue in sharing, but last night God's love showed me the path forward. So today, I look forward to sharing another part of how God's grace, mercy, forgiveness, and unconditional love freed me from captivity.
In 1995 I married. I thought it was the answer to whatever it was that I was missing in my life. I wanted to be rescued. From the beginning our marriage was a battle. Within the first 3 years I had my daughter Madie and my son Jack.
From 1995 through 2001 I had been going to a church and the Word was planted in my heart although I never heard the message of salvation. I went to church on Sunday, sang the hymns, heard about people in the bible, and read prayers right out to the bulletin. But I did not understand there could be a relationship with God. I did not understand who God desired to be in my life. I did not live out His Word.
In 2001, my friends invited me to the church I go to now. My marriage was full of fear and dysfunction--a lot of the same things going on in my home as I grew up. One Sunday I went to church with my friend and for the first time actually heard the message of salvation. God's presence reigned down on me like I could never imagine. That day I gave my heart to the Lord. I began to read my bible, go to church with my kids every Sunday, went to every bible study and event I could get to, started helping in Sunday School and built my friendships with the people I met there. I was baptised later that year.
My past still haunted me. It was still neatly tucked away for no one to see. I was still living in my past...looking in to the mirror and seeing the person who could choose the abortions...who was raped...who made choices that were overwhelmingly wrong...
In 2003 my husband and I were separated. In 2004 our divorce became final. I was on my own again with three children. My church was amazing and I dove deeper in to the Word, into leadership, and went back to school and earned my BA and teaching certificate. But I was still held captive by my past and I still did not have a strong foundation on which I could stand...even though I was in the Word and I prayed, I did not understand who I was in Christ. I loved God, but I still could not believe that He loved me. I did not understand how He could possibly forgive me for the things I had done. I would pray through the events, ask for forgiveness, lay it at the Cross...but I did not forgive myself or know how.
In 2005, I made a decision that would pile on the final blanket of shame...It was a decision that would leave me paralyzed in guilt and shame...and the enemy wanted this to be the event that pushed me over the edge and finally take me out. This time the choice I made became known to many people, so I could no longer hide the terrible person I had believed that I was. I am not going to expand on this event because I don't feel released to give out the details yet. I lost respect, some friends, and my dignity.
Many people walked with me through confession, repentance, and began the road of restoration with me. I have had much support and definitely learned the meaning of grace and mercy. I will talk about that in the next and last part of this story...
Because of this event, every step that I took I felt condemned.
I had worked through many things when I went to the clinic for my eating disorder in March, but I still had not forgiven myself or was I able to find my identity in Christ. I still felt the shame of this event, and the events of my past. The shame was so overwhelming it affected every thought I had. There were times that I felt that I was doing well...walking through it...but because of two things I kept coming back to the believe that I was terrible...rotten...unforgivable...disgusting...and those two things were: not being able to forgive myself and not understanding who I was in Christ.
In June of 2008, I began to lose more weight. I was consumed with punishing myself and like I said before, the eating disorder became my tool. Many people began to come to me with concern and warned me of the consequences of what I was doing. I could not see any other way out. I was so consumed with shame and guilt that I wanted to die...I didn't want to leave my kids, but my spirit was dead and my hope was gone. I went back to the clinic and eventually had to go in to a hospital, because I was not willing to eat enough to gain weight. I was gone from my kids for 6 weeks. They were losing me because I was unable to remove the cloak of shame that I wore. I was locked up in chains and felt bound to all I had done. I was losing the battle in my own strength.
This picture is of me the night before I went back in to the clinic in June. I took this of myself but it shows the depths of how lost I felt.
Tomorrow I will share what has brought me to today. God is so good. I hope that you will be able to see that through my story.
In love...Teresa
I know in your flesh that you were unable to keep sharing this story of your past, but through Jesus and His strength alone, you keep persevering. I am so proud of you for walking through Him.
ReplyDeleteThis was beautifully written and I can feel your pain reading it.
Love you, O