Feed yourself some life today.

"Fix your thoughts on what is
true and honorable,
and right,
and pure,
and lovely,
and admirable.
Think on things that are excellent and worthy of praise." Philippians 4:8 NLT

For most of my life I spoke words of hate to myself. I would wake up in the morning and my first thoughts were put downs and words that devalued who I was. I started my day in defeat. One thought leads to another and then another and then I believe these words to be true. I live that way...I make decisions based on these thoughts...I hold back and skip opportunities. I hide from my calling.

When I came home from treatment from an eating disorder, I had to learn new ways of thinking and speaking to myself. If I wanted to get better I had to make changes and new choices. The first scripture God placed on my heart to memorize was Philippians 4:8. Every time I spoke hateful words...such as...I am fat....I am stupid...I can't do anything right...why am I even here on this earth...what's the point...I am ugly...I am disgusting...I don't deserve to be healthy (these were the things I said to myself each day)...I began to ask myself if those words were admirable or lovely or pure. And then I would chose new words...even if I didn't believe them...because words of life feed our souls with peace and joy. We need to feed our minds with truth and life. I am smart. I am a loving mother. I have worked hard. I have made mistakes, but I am not that person anymore. I am made new. Nothing can separate the love of God. I am valuable because God chose to die on the cross so that I could be free. I was created in the image of God. God has great plans for me.

True

honorable

right

pure

lovely

admirable

excellent

worthy of praise

Healthy life giving words feed our minds with the Truth.

I challenge you to memorized this scripture...the truth...a command of the Lord...and each time you begin to speak negative words to yourself...ask "is what I am saying lovely"? When we speak those negative words over ourselves we are disputing God's creation...for he created us in his image...are we saying God made a mistake? We can make mistakes, but each mistake is redeemable, restorable and forgiven...we can speak truth and life over our lives...we MUST. How can you do what God has placed you on this earth to do if you are not feeding yourself LIFE GIVING WORDS.

Feed yourself life.

Blessings,

Teresa

Happy New Year

I want to make new year's goal...I want to write out what our family stands for this....I want to organize my house and my time so that we do family devotions ever day together...be more active...serve and give more...oohh my mind and heart are swirling (i love that word) with so many ideas...I think part of me might be afraid to write anything down because I do not want to fail...but failing is part of learning...and revising and reworking our goals is okay...



So even thought I know I will spend this week writing some things down and implementing some new ideas and goals with in our household, my heart keeps coming back to one thing. Our goal...our job description...our purpose is to bring glory to God. If we wake up each morning and commit our day, our actions, our language to bring glory to God...to be His mirror...to reflect Him...don't you think our goals and dreams and year will be one that God will use when we focus on bringing Him glory.



I do think goals are good...they keep us focused. I know I will make some. I already know what God wants me to work through and to be stripped of...I have prayed for direction and I know I have heard Him...I just hope and pray that I will allow to be used...I will be open to hear...I will be ready to serve...I will be a God pleaser and not a people pleaser...



Our family motto will be to give and serve and to reflect God in what we do.



My motto will be to bring glory to God as a mother, as a friend, as a sister, as a daughter, as a servant, as a lover of Christ.



The rest...God will fill in the blanks.



I hope that everyone who reads this will have an amazing 2010. I pray that you will allow God to direct you and love you and that you will know how valuable you are to him. (I think I have overused the word 'and' today)...God is so good...sooo sooo good. He loves us so much and wants us to be free so we can live a victorious life.



Love God, Love others...one day when I was wondering what to do with my life...someone wise told me that I just needed to love God and love others...so that is what I will do tonight...and tomorrow and the rest of my days....Love God and Love Others.



2010...will be my first year I am going to be able to say...I HAD an eating disorder instead of I have an eating disorder. amazing. :)



2010...Let God Use You...Let God Love You...Let God Direct You....



Love, Teresa

Where does our value come from?

In January I will speaking at a church on the topic of Self Worth. And what a journey it has been to be at a place where I can get up and talk about how much God values us! I am so humbled that God is allowing me to speak on his behalf.

While I have been studying and preparing God's message to this particular group of people, I have found myself asking "Where does our value come from?" Of course it is easy to say "It is from God." But really if we take the time to examine this question what do you think your list would look like? Would it include your job or position at work? Would it include the house you live in or the car you drive? Would it include the clothes you wear? Would it include the approval and acceptance of others? Would it be in raising your children or from your spouse? Would it be what you look like?

I was thinking about this yesterday a lot and having a conversation with someone. We were talking about how much people in the media get paid and how there are so many people struggling. We discussed the fact that our world puts so much value on these people that they are paid so much money, are admired and followed and talked about. We buy magazines just to catch up on what these "stars" are doing. We watch entertainment shows, interviews, and talk shows if our favorite actor/actress/performer are on there. Now I love a good movie and good music...so this isn't about that. What I am getting at is where our world puts value. Our world spends more time on watching these entertainers than on their own character, integrity or serving.

It is so easy to look for value in our world...because we are told to work hard to be successful...value in our job. We are told our children are good when they behave and perform well in activities...value from our kids. We are told that we deserve to have nice things...value in things (homes, cars, clothes). Our world is shows what they call perfect people, perfect homes, the best of things list and if we have that we have value.

I spent my life looking for my value from people and their approval and acceptance of myself. I immersed myself in an eating disorder in order to not only to punish myself, but to seek the approval of people. I put value in the way I looked and the way people saw my physical appearance. I wasn't spending time finding value in Godly character or if I had integrity.

As I study God's Word in this area I am so encouraged! I am so filled with joy and excitement that I don't need to be that people pleaser anymore. I don't have to starve and look "perfect" to be worth approval. I get to just bask in the fact that God values me. I get to saturate myself in His love because he calls me "his masterpiece". I am going to be talking about this in January...how we are "his masterpiece" and we were "bought with a high price".

God so wants us to know that He values us so much that He sent his Son to the cross to die...d-i-e. Die for us. Why? Because he values us so much that he wanted each one of us to be saved...forgiven...to live in His fullness. HE VALUES US. HE VALUES YOU!

I know that many will read that and have a hard time believing that for themselves. I know that because I use to believe it for everyone except myself. I could tell you a zillion times what the scriptures say about how much God loves you and values you, but you have to know it as truth for yourself. I had to learn how to believe it for myself. I had to accept it...to know it was meant for me as well as you. It didn't happen overnight. It took time. But it took a choice. A choice to say "God's Word is truth and if I truly love and follow God I must believe these truths for me and live them."

Practical application: Pray and ask God to reveal to you the places that you are finding value outside of Him. Write them down. Pray to put those things in their place. It is okay to have a nice house and car. It is okay to dress fashionably. But they need to have their place in your life that does not place them above the Lord. Continue to pray asking God to direct you in this area. He might ask you to give something away. He might ask you to serve in a way you hadn't thought before. He might ask you to to give up something for a period of time. If you want to share your list or your conversations with God....I would love to hear. If you need a partner in prayer, let me know.

Part Three-My Story

I am going to publish this post although I am not sure it came out how I wanted it to...As I read through it and previewed it, I am not sure I told it in the way the Lord wanted me to. So forgive me, if it is pieced together, confusing, or not understandable.

As the Lord has inspired me to share my story, the enemy has been attacking me from all angles trying to stop me from carrying out what God intended for good. This week I wasn't sure I was going to be able to continue in sharing, but last night God's love showed me the path forward. So today, I look forward to sharing another part of how God's grace, mercy, forgiveness, and unconditional love freed me from captivity.

In 1995 I married. I thought it was the answer to whatever it was that I was missing in my life. I wanted to be rescued. From the beginning our marriage was a battle. Within the first 3 years I had my daughter Madie and my son Jack.

From 1995 through 2001 I had been going to a church and the Word was planted in my heart although I never heard the message of salvation. I went to church on Sunday, sang the hymns, heard about people in the bible, and read prayers right out to the bulletin. But I did not understand there could be a relationship with God. I did not understand who God desired to be in my life. I did not live out His Word.

In 2001, my friends invited me to the church I go to now. My marriage was full of fear and dysfunction--a lot of the same things going on in my home as I grew up. One Sunday I went to church with my friend and for the first time actually heard the message of salvation. God's presence reigned down on me like I could never imagine. That day I gave my heart to the Lord. I began to read my bible, go to church with my kids every Sunday, went to every bible study and event I could get to, started helping in Sunday School and built my friendships with the people I met there. I was baptised later that year.

My past still haunted me. It was still neatly tucked away for no one to see. I was still living in my past...looking in to the mirror and seeing the person who could choose the abortions...who was raped...who made choices that were overwhelmingly wrong...

In 2003 my husband and I were separated. In 2004 our divorce became final. I was on my own again with three children. My church was amazing and I dove deeper in to the Word, into leadership, and went back to school and earned my BA and teaching certificate. But I was still held captive by my past and I still did not have a strong foundation on which I could stand...even though I was in the Word and I prayed, I did not understand who I was in Christ. I loved God, but I still could not believe that He loved me. I did not understand how He could possibly forgive me for the things I had done. I would pray through the events, ask for forgiveness, lay it at the Cross...but I did not forgive myself or know how.

In 2005, I made a decision that would pile on the final blanket of shame...It was a decision that would leave me paralyzed in guilt and shame...and the enemy wanted this to be the event that pushed me over the edge and finally take me out. This time the choice I made became known to many people, so I could no longer hide the terrible person I had believed that I was. I am not going to expand on this event because I don't feel released to give out the details yet. I lost respect, some friends, and my dignity.

Many people walked with me through confession, repentance, and began the road of restoration with me. I have had much support and definitely learned the meaning of grace and mercy. I will talk about that in the next and last part of this story...

Because of this event, every step that I took I felt condemned.
I had worked through many things when I went to the clinic for my eating disorder in March, but I still had not forgiven myself or was I able to find my identity in Christ. I still felt the shame of this event, and the events of my past. The shame was so overwhelming it affected every thought I had. There were times that I felt that I was doing well...walking through it...but because of two things I kept coming back to the believe that I was terrible...rotten...unforgivable...disgusting...and those two things were: not being able to forgive myself and not understanding who I was in Christ.

In June of 2008, I began to lose more weight. I was consumed with punishing myself and like I said before, the eating disorder became my tool. Many people began to come to me with concern and warned me of the consequences of what I was doing. I could not see any other way out. I was so consumed with shame and guilt that I wanted to die...I didn't want to leave my kids, but my spirit was dead and my hope was gone. I went back to the clinic and eventually had to go in to a hospital, because I was not willing to eat enough to gain weight. I was gone from my kids for 6 weeks. They were losing me because I was unable to remove the cloak of shame that I wore. I was locked up in chains and felt bound to all I had done. I was losing the battle in my own strength.

This picture is of me the night before I went back in to the clinic in June. I took this of myself but it shows the depths of how lost I felt.



Tomorrow I will share what has brought me to today. God is so good. I hope that you will be able to see that through my story.

In love...Teresa

My Heart is Breaking

This may be a short post this morning...and hopefully I will write more later. Today my heart is breaking...It is breaking for those who are broken who see no hope. My heart is breaking for those who are in the darkness and cannot see the light. My heart is breaking for those who are bound to chains of their past and don't know how to break free. My heart breaks for those who are heaped over in pain because of the weight of their burdens are too heavy to carry anymore on their own. My heart breaks for those whose identity has been lost because they have attached their hurts, fears, guilt, and shame to who they are...they feel unidentifiable. I am grieving today. That use to be me.

Yesterday I heard someone I didn't know say, "I am too broken". There was not glimmer of hope in their voice. Their voice, their words have replayed themselves in my heart all night and in to this morning. As I prayed for this person, so many images of others that I don't know, flashed through my heart, and my heart was filled with compassion and grief and a sense of urgency like never before. I find myself in tears this morning...That use to be me.

Why is this on my heart so heavy? It is because that use to be me. I sat in the same chair that man did and felt the same way. No hope...No light...a lost identity...heaped over in pain...my burdens were too heavy to carry anymore...the hurt, the fear, the guilt and the shame...it was too much.

Yesterday when I heard him with that cry in his heart, not knowing his story, I realized how many hurting people there are in this world who see not light or hope. I am so grateful to my refuge, my strong tower...To the God who loves me...who loves us...who loves that man sitting in the chair...

I am so grateful that:
Psalm 40:2-4 NLT
"He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mid and mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.
He gave me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord.
Oh the Joys of those who trust the Lord."

Isaiah 61 (Message)
Announce Freedom to All Captives
1-7 "The Spirit of God, the Master, is on me because God anointed me.
He sent me to preach good news to the poor,
heal the heartbroken,
Announce freedom to all captives,
pardon all prisoners.God sent me to announce the year of his grace—
a celebration of God's destruction of our enemies—
and to comfort all who mourn,
To care for the needs of all who mourn in Zion,
give them bouquets of roses instead of ashes,
Messages of joy instead of news of doom,
a praising heart instead of a languid spirit.
Rename them "Oaks of Righteousness"
planted by God to display his glory.
They'll rebuild the old ruins,
raise a new city out of the wreckage." (emphasis mine)

I know that this is heavy stuff...but it is real. It is real because I was there. It is real and God is calling us to give hope to the lost, those without hope, and those who feel "so broken" that they can't see how any light can break through their darkness. Pray...love...praise...

This is not meant to bring you down, but to be grateful for who our God is and prompt us to pray for those who can't pray for themselves today...He is the lifter of our heads. That USE to be me. And now God is calling me to share His hope...WE ARE LOVED BY HIM!
Teresa :) (well...I guess it wasn't so short!)

No Alerations Required

I know I promised photos and more on how my son Jack changed his perspective, but I am going to give that a few days before I post on that. My daughter, Madie, jumped on the band wagon as well and spent yesterday cleaning out her room. There is so many lessons that I can pull out that God placed on my heart over the last few days while "cleaning out" rooms with my kids and talking about changing perspective...but those will have to wait.

God has placed a purpose in my heart. And I know this purpose is not new, but I have finally discovered it. God always knew what it would be since according to His word it says, "Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed." Psalm 139:16 And if that isn't amazing enough on its own it says "How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. The can not be numbered." v17 He still has precious thoughts about me, even though he already knew of all the good and bad (even the VERY bad) that I would be involved in. So, back to the purpose...I can deny it no longer. I can not run from it any longer. I can not hide from it.

One of the reasons I began this blog was to encourage, support, and talk about our identity in Christ. To discuss who God says we are and how our worldly view has changed it so much that we don't always understand it. The world has placed a veil over our eyes as to who we were created to be. Of course I could never just write one blog entry to talk about all I have learned and how I spent more than 98% of my life searching for who I was in everything other than God even when I chose to accept Him as my Savior. So this is just a start. This is just one discussion of many to come.

And in light of Michael Jackson's death, I think we can start with the very first thing that came to my heart when I heard the news. I shared this with my kids and then felt the depth of my life choices...

Michael Jackson spent most of his life trying to alter himself. I do not know all he has done. I don't have any facts, but I will say that we can visually see that he was not happy with what God gave him. Yes, he did some great things and I am not going to sweep that under the rug for his fans, but just for now I want to talk about altering. I am not sure what his actual cause of death will be confirmed as, but so far we have heard he went in to cardiac arrest.

Michael Jackson tried to change the color of his skin. Michael Jackson changed most of his facial features. If you compare his earlier pictures to those of recent, he doesn't even look like the same person. I believe that he spent most of his life trying to make alterations to himself to make him "good enough" for what he thought was "good enough". He was in constant pursuit of making changes to his original form. I thought about this so much last night. We try to alter what God made.

Let's go back to Psalm 139. I know we hear this all the time and sometimes quote it with out really looking at what God meant for us to understand. "You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion. You saw me before I was born." v13-14 It says he made ALL of the delicate parts. It says he KNIT me together. We also know that God does not make mistakes. One day my friends and I were talking about the verse that God wrote about knitting us together. I don't knit, but my friends and one of my daughters do. First you have to carelfully plan out what you are going to knit...you have a pattern. Each stitch (I am sure that is the wrong word) is specific so that the end product is just how they planned, just like the pattern. It takes time to knit. Most people find it relaxing and rewarding. When they are done, they show what they made with pride and people are amazed by it. God took his time, planned out every stitch of our body, and when He was done he was oohing and aweing over each of us.

I have also spent a life time trying to alter my body. The body that God so carefully created for me. The body he spent time knitting together so that each stitch was perfect in his eyes. I spent most of my life in the depths of an eating disorder. I will get more in to that in later blogs and how it all came about, but I tried to alter what God created. The act of the alterations almost took my life last year. The act of alterations made me self centered and lost. The act of alterations pulled me from the gift of a family, of a life, of my purpose...and it could have ended in cardiac arrest. Last year...in June of 2008...my doctor's warned me of this...my prophetic friend warned me of this...cardiac arrest...because I was desperate to change who God created me to be. Because I did not understand my identity in Him. I didn't understand my identity in Him. And I will say it again, I didn't understand my identity in Him. I say it 3 times, because it is of upmost importance that I make that clear. In the bible God repeated himself when he wanted to emphasize something. So I am repeating that so that I can emphasize that we have to understand who God says we are and then BELIEVE it. We have to read scripture in a way that each time we read the words of our Bible we know that God carefully chose those words. He could have placed so many other words on the pages of our Bible, but he chose the ones that are on each page. I am sure many other events happened, many other conversations took place, other people had stories to tell...but God knew exactly what we needed to know to live the life we are living and all we have to do is open the Bible and there it is...our life in black and white...He loves us...He created us...He forgives us...He has plans for us...He redeems and restores us...

We don't have to alter ourselves. The world says we do. The media says we do. The magazines, music, the internet says we do. Who breathed those words? It wasn't our God. Our God breathed the words in the Bible...and it says we are "workmanship", it says we are "wonderfully made". No alterations required. Our identity is in Him. We don't have to change the color of our skin, or the shape of our face or the way our body was made. Our God says No Alterations Required. His word is true...His word is perfect. His word was meant for you and for me and for each of us. You are a workmanship...I am a workmanship...I was wonderfully made...You were wonderfully made....Michael Jackson was wonderfully made...I wish he could have seen the wonderfully made workmanship that he was...and I now see that God knit me together...carefully, wonderfully, and marvelously. I believe that because God wrote that to me in a beautiful love letter called the Bible. He breathed the words on the pages with just as much care as he did when he created you and I.

NO ALTERATIONS REQUIRED...says our God
In love...Teresa