InsideOut

The wind blew this weekend and my front and back yard was full of yellow, orange, and red leaves. My neighbor has a tree that let loose thousands of the "helicopters". I am sure that is not the technical name for those but that is what we have always called them. While the wind was blowing it looked like it was raining twirling brown helicopters! When they hit the grass, they stood straight up and my backyard was literally covered in them, sticking out of the grass. The grass desperately need mowing along with hundreds of leaves that were also covering the ground.

On Saturday I was having one of those days when things just seemed out of control and goals and life just seemed unreachable. I was feeling unequipped to parent and take care of everyday tasks. As I stood in the window with my cup of tea, I decided to get out the lawn mower and clean up my yard. I love when my yard is mowed, edged, clean and even....So after an hour and a half my grass was mowed and the outside of my house looked organized and "put together".

When I drove up to the house after church on Sunday, I told my kids that I was so glad I mowed the lawn. Jack asked me why. My response was that I knew it was going to rain most of the week and getting it done this weekend meant I didn't have to worry about it. But what I was really thinking was that it made my house look so nice! It looked like the person who lived at my house cared about their yard. It looked like the person who lived at my house had it all together and could keep their yard neat, take care of their family and that they must work hard.

If only they could have seen the inside of my house. There are piles of unpaid bills that are beginning to look like a mountain too high to climb. There is a garage that is piled high with stuff and can barely be walked through. There would be toilets that needed cleaning, cat hair on the couch, old furniture with furniture covers to hide the rips and tears. There would be a daughter who is angry and sad and frustrated and a mom not knowing how to parent her sometimes. There would be a son who worries about things that he shouldn't have to worry about. There would be a mom whose heart breaks when her adult daughter doesn't want to talk to her and can walk by her many times during the day with out even looking at her. There would be a woman who loves God so much and cries out to Him all day so that she can do the right thing for that day...be the person for that day that she was created to be, because she can't do it on her own...and she is scared.

But the outside of her house would never indicate that. Things look clean, organized, put together, decorated with seasonal pumpkins, guards and the mums that come up each year that line her walkway.

When I looked at my house on Sunday as I was driving in to my driveway, I thought of the outside of my house and how I had just spent years trying to make the outside of myself look clean and organized so that everyone would think that I had it all together...I strived to wear the perfect outfit, to be a certain size and shape, I spent all of my time trying to please the world so that I looked good on the outside...that way no one would see the turmoil of the inside. They wouldn't notice the hurt and the shame and the guilt and the fear that were a constant tornado swirling inside my heart and thought life. I almost took my life, just to try to disguise it all. Isn't it amazing that I tried to do that to my house this weekend...

This weekend as I thought about all of this, I was reminded that I am free of that. I am free of trying to please the world. I am free of manicuring the outside so that no one would notice the inside. I am free to live in the identity that Christ has given me. I am free to be who God created me to be. I am free to not look what the world thinks of as perfect. I am free of trying to measure up to my neighbor. I am free to have leaves all over my yard...and little helicopters sticking out all over the place!

Galatians 5:1 NLT say "So Christ has truly set us free. Now make sure that you stay free, and don't get tied up again in slavery to the law."

Someone asked me if I had hard days still...living in the freedom of Christ...living in the promise that I am loved and forgiven by God...

Yes.

This weekend was a reminder.

But I am learning: "Forget the past and look forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ is calling us." Philippians 3:15

I am learning that when I start to sink in to the old way of thinking that I have to remember that I am free. I have to praise God despite the hard times. I don't have to be fake on the outside to be accepted. I get to just be me....the me God created. This is why we must be in the Word daily, allowing God's love and truth to sink in to the empty places of our hearts, and the thoughts that are not "pure and lovely".

And I get to look at scriptures like this: "But we must hold on to the progress we have already made." v 16 And remember that I have made progress in this journey of freedom.

So...yes my lawn looks great...but just so you know...the inside of my house isn't perfect...and I am okay with that. I am okay with it because God is a God who restores and I am holding on to that promise today.

And today...I am wearing old sweats and a tee shirt...and I even wore it to school to drop Jack off. So my outside is a little disheveled looking and today my insides are a little disheveled as well...but I am grateful and humbled that God sees me as he created me to be and loves me whether I am wearing sweats, jeans or skirt....whether my makeup is on or not...yeah! And some days will be harder than others...but that is just life.

Praise God that we have Jesus....

He is the way.
He is the truth.
He is life.

In love, Teresa