Part 3 A Piece of my Heart

Installment 3 of the unedited version of a chapter of my upcoming booking:
Comments and suggestions accepted!!!


I sat back in the sage green chair, pulled my legs under my body and clutched my bible. I held it close, not wanting to release this black bound book that held the truth. It held the light. I read it for the past seven years, but thought those words were written for others—the ones who were not so bad. I clutched it not wanting to release it, in fear that I would lose this moment where exposing myself to light felt right.
The recipient of all of those confessions and darkness, she looked at me.
No condemnation.
Grace.
Mercy.
Forgiveness.
No judgment.
No judgment came from her mouth. No judgment shot from her eyes. Just love that was a result of her faith in Christ. It was time for me to go so that someone else could take my place in that sage green chair. I would sit in that chair many more times over the course of the year. Fifty minutes always slipped by way too fast.
She asked me to do something. She told me to open that love letter that I clutched so tightly in my hands--the one that I didn’t want to let go of. She told me to let go of Psalm 38 for now. The only words that sounded true to me at the moment. She told me instead to read Psalm 40. Read it tonight in your quiet time she said. She prayed with me. I walked through the door, out of that safe room.
I walked down the stairs and into the waiting room with my eyes glued to the floor, almost afraid to look up as if the exposure was written across my face. As I stepped back in to the waiting room, no one seemed to see it. It wasn’t illuminating off of me like bright lights in a dark room. I sat down in one of the empty chairs wondering what would happen next.
Psalm 40. It was just two Psalms away from Psalm 38. The one that told about my pain and misery. The one that knew how my body was feeling. Psalm 40 came after Psalm 38. After, maybe that meant something. Maybe it meant this is what was to come. Maybe it was what I could look forward to. Psalm 40. What words was I going to read?
1 I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. 2 He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. 3 He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord.
4 Oh, the joys of those who trust the Lord, who have no confidence in the proud or in those who worship idols. 5 O Lord my God, you have performed many wonders for us. Your plans for us are too numerous to list. You have no equal. If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds, I would never come to the end of them.
6 You take no delight in sacrifices or offerings. Now that you have made me listen, I finally understand[a]— you don’t require burnt offerings or sin offerings. 7 Then I said, “Look, I have come. As is written about me in the Scriptures: 8 I take joy in doing your will, my God, for your instructions are written on my heart.”
9 I have told all your people about your justice. I have not been afraid to speak out, as you, O Lord, well know. 10 I have not kept the good news of your justice hidden in my heart; I have talked about your faithfulness and saving power. I have told everyone in the great assembly of your unfailing love and faithfulness.
11 Lord, don’t hold back your tender mercies from me. Let your unfailing love and faithfulness always protect me. 12 For troubles surround me— too many to count! My sins pile up so high I can’t see my way out. They outnumber the hairs on my head. I have lost all courage.
13 Please, Lord, rescue me! Come quickly, Lord, and help me. 14 May those who try to destroy me be humiliated and put to shame. May those who take delight in my trouble be turned back in disgrace. 15 Let them be horrified by their shame, for they said, “Aha! We’ve got him now!”
16 But may all who search for you be filled with joy and gladness in you. May those who love your salvation repeatedly shout, “The Lord is great!” 17 As for me, since I am poor and needy, let the Lord keep me in his thoughts. You are my helper and my savior. O my God, do not delay.
Why do we go through the pain? I believe it is so we know what it is like to finally be in the light and know the grace of God. Now I know what it is:
to be forgiven
to be handed grace
to understand mercy
to step out of the darkness and in to the light
to be given new LIFE.
“Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord.” Psalm 40:3. I pray that you will see what God has done for me and be amazed by his grace.