A Story to Tell

Wikepedia states that the definition of story is "the recounting of a sequence of events".  I love to read stories.  I love to hear stories.  On of my favorite times as a Kindergarten teacher was reading stories.  I used stories to teach math, language arts, social studies.  I love that characters and plot lines bring people in and captivate their attention.  Stories can teach a lesson, make people laugh, help someone understand a difficult concept.  Stories tell...they can tell of life's fortune and misfortune, of setbacks and triumphs, of gains and losses. 

Yesterday during worship the Lord whispered in my ear that I must share my story.   I know that the Lord has given me a testimony to share.  I started the non profit What Is Beautiful as an avenue for that.  I am slowing (and too slowly at that) writing a book.  I have shared my story early on in this blog.  I have shared with people who have asked.  But during worship the Lord was clear, that the time is coming that I must share my story.  I am not sure what that looks like.  During prayer after worship the pastor asked us to pray for something that the Lord placed on our heart.  I prayed not for provision, which we need badly, because when I started God said "I already said I would provide".  I started to pray for my children,  God said "I already said I would take care of them".  So I prayed for what felt urgent in my heart and that was "how to tell the story of how God restored me so others could be restored". 

I had to work in the afternoon yesterday (Sunday).  On my break I got out my journal and begin to write a few notes:

Stories:  God used stories.  The Bible is full of stories of people.  God used peoples stories to share wisdom, lessons, pains, hurt, triumphs, redemption, and their journeys so that we could learn and have guidelines....so that we had an example of how He wanted us to live or not to live...so that we had a way already forged out....so that we could learn. 

God used stories to tell the good and the struggles...not just the good.  He shared restoration, redemption, strengths, weaknesses, guidance.  God used stories.  Jesus used stories. 

God showed us David...He could have just shared the little Shepard boy David who faced a giant with three stones and won.  He could have just shared how David was favored by the people and made a great king who fought and won many battles.  But God showed us more.  He showed us his affair and how he handled that mess and in the end a person died...and then his own newborn died...God showed the struggles his sons had and how he wasn't the perfect parent.  But he also showed us David's heart and how he loved God...sought God...even through the heartache and the sin...even when David seemed far from God, we got to see the restoration.  And there are so many others...I could list out so many times God showed restoration...all parts of people's stories so that we could know how to live...so that we could know that there is a promise of restoration in the Bible. 

On any page of God's Word we can find a story.

So I love that this morning I read this blog post http://www.marlataviano.com/ ....about telling stories.  The title of her blog..."wanna share your story?"  Love...when God speaks something to my heart (I want you to share your story) and the next day I open my email and someone says "wanna share your story?"

My then events in my story are many...events that stole my identity...but God...He restored and redeemed my life.  Alcoholic member of my family brought secrets, fear, and a stripping of my voice.  Rape as a teen brought more secrets, fear, shame, and guilt.  Searching for love and identity in relationships and my outward appearance.  Eating disorder.  Abortion not once but twice.  Date rape in my twenties.  A marriage ending in divorce.  An immoral decision that brought so much shame and guilt, I wanted to die.  The eating disorder...it almost took me there. Treatment center, hospital stay (psych ward).  But God...He never took his eyes off of me.  He placed people in my life that never gave up on me.  He never stopped holding out his hand and when I took it He never let go.  Healing.  Restoration.  Redemption.  Forgiveness.  Joy. Peace. Love. Still hard many days...but my eyes they have to stay on Jesus...I have to stay in the Word.  I have to stay connected to those who love Jesus. 

That's my story in one paragraph.

Thank you Jesus for your saving grace.

Overcoming Fear

Fear has a way of settling in my heart.

It becomes a barrier, a wall, a mountain.  

Fear holds us back.  It keeps us from normal everyday life.  It keeps us from our God calling.  It keeps us from demonstrating His love to others.

My middle daughter is learning to drive.  Before she turned 16 she told me she didn't want to learn.  She didn't care about getting her license.  She said it was "no big deal".  I didn't push the issue.  But one day I asked her if she wanted to go to the elementary school parking lot in town and try driving out.  Panic struck her face and she said no.  I didn't push the issue.  I really wanted her to just try it out.  I asked her again a week later.  I told her she could drive 100 feet in a straight line and be done...just try it once.  She finally agreed.  

On a Sunday after church her and I got in the van and I drove us to the empty parking lot.  It's big and open and the best place to practice.  She got in the drivers seat.  I began to talk to her about the gas pedal, the brake, the parking brake, the gear shift (park, reverse, and drive).   I told her about the steering wheel.  We talked about when she learned to ride a bike and how at first she pushed the brakes hard and she jerked to a stop...but soon she learned how to push them just right.  I told her it would be the same with the car.  We adjusted the mirrors.  We fastened our seat belts.  We turned the ignition.  She put her head in her hands and cried.

I gave her a minute to cry.

I asked her what was making her cry.

Fear.

She was scared.

She didn't want to have the responsibility of driving.

She was scared.

Fear held her back all these months.  The reason she said no.  The reason she didn't want to try.

Fear.  It became a barrier.

I told her it was okay.  That I wouldn't let her try if I didn't think she could do it.  I told her I believed in her and that is why we were sitting in the parking lot in the first place.  I told her just to go straight  and stop and we could be done, but she had to try.  She could do it.

She drove a few feet...and then a few more...and then some more...and then a half hour later I got in the driver's seat and drove us home.  

She conquered fear.

She stood up to it.

She tried.  She took one step, which led to another, which led to another, which took her around the parking lot.

She got her permit. 

Now she wishes she had done it sooner.

She has to wait to get her license until after driver's ed.

She conquered fear, but it stole time.  

My sister and brother in law graciously let her borrow one of their cars for a while...to use as her first car.  

We practice.  She rides the bus to school.  She has conquered more fears....intersections, driving over 35, parking, getting gas.  But she is sad that she is 16 and has to wait to get her license.  Fear stole time.  

At church last week, I was thinking on things that were not lovely....the things that I allowed fear to steal from me.  I was thinking about worry....and the book I am writing for the last three years and am afraid to finish...my master's degree I started and afraid to finish...the non profit I started and afraid to pursue...fear it steals time.

But God showed me...

He parted the Red Sea.

He moved a mountain.

He saved Daniel from the lions.

He made the sun stand still.

He healed the sick.

He raised the dead.

He didn't do this for himself.  He did it for us.  For me.  

So that I could write my book.

So that I could speak truth to the lost.

So that I could share my story and bring hope to the hurting.

So that you could serve in His name.

So that you could love your neighbor.

So that you could love your own children and raise them in His name.

So that you could do the things He called you to do...whatever that is.

God conquered fear for us.

God restores the stolen time that fear takes.

Madie is going to take driver's ed next month.

She was given an amazing gift of a car to drive.

Her time is being restored.

Fear...take one step today to show it that it can not steal anymore time from the things you are called to do.

Psalm 34:4
"I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me.  He freed me from all my fears.  Those who look to him will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces."

Under the banner of God let go of fear.  Here are some practical steps:
1.  Get in the car.
Take the first step. Whatever it is, take one step forward.  Like Madie who was afraid of driving, she got in the car and sat there.  The first step. 

2.  Fasten the seat belt.
Pray and be prepared.  Buckle in and get ready for an amazing ride.

3.  Put the car in drive.
Get ready to be in motion. 

4.  Pull the parking break.
Let go and let God put you in motion. 

5.  Push the gas pedal.
Move forward.  Just go straight ahead.  Don't look back.

6.  Take a practice drive.
Just do it. 

7.  Keep going.
Get back in the car again.

What if we sit in fear all of our lives and never know the drive that God has in store for us.  It is a beautiful ride.


In Love,
Teresa



 

The Number on the Scale

This morning I woke up and followed my normal routine.  I usually keep the same order in how I do things...It is just how I do it.  I wake up, go directly in to the bathroom, get my things on the counter that I need (face cleanser, lotions, washcloth, etc), brush my teeth, and then I weigh myself.  Four years ago I use to weigh myself at least 10 times a day.  I was obsessed by the number on the scale.  It defined my day...it defined the moment...I allowed it to be a measure of who I was...It defined me.  The number--where ever the line stopped at---I let it tell create a definition of who I was.  In the midst of the worse part of the eating disorder...in 2008...there were many times when friends would come to my house and take my scale.  There were times when I would voluntarily hand it over.  But that only lasted a few days.  I would buy a new one.

A scale measured my worth.

A number told me who I was.

The size of my body became a definition of my identity.

I would step on the scale and then I would curse myself.  I said words that I would never want to hear anyone speak.  I said words that would hurt the person with the toughest skin.  I spoke hate and death over myself...never understanding what that was doing to the God who created me.

Why would I allow a number to measure my value?  Why would I allow a scale to become my identity?

Today I stepped on my scale.  Today I weigh a number that in my flesh...I don't really like...but the difference is I have chosen to allow something else to define me.

My value is not a number on a scale.  My value is from God.  He says, "For you are God's masterpiece.  He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago."  Ephesians 2:10 NLT  

God says in Psalm 139 that "He made me wonderfully" (v14) that His "workmanship is marvelous" (v14).

I am made in the image of God.

When I curse my body or let the world define my value based on what my outside looks like, then I am literally telling the Lord that he made a mistake...that what he did was not good enough for me because I value the opinion of the world over His.

"But the Lord said to Samuel, "Don't judge by his appearance or height, for I have rejected him,  The Lord doesn't see things the way you see them.  People judge by outward appearance but the Lord looks at the heart."  1 Samuel 16:7

I can't find anywhere in the Bible where God says that my weight or the shape of my body defines my worth.

I just want to encourage any one who has has allowed others or their scale number to become their means of a value scale...to take the first step today and every time those thoughts or beliefs begin to creep in...to rebuke them and remind yourself that God is you defining system.

I know that this isn't a instant change moment...that you are not going to read this and be instantly transformed...because I can't do that for you.  But I know that the God that I serve can.  He can. He is the source of our worth.

Today...as a first step decide on one statement you are going to counteract the lies that you have come to believe as true.  Every time your thoughts go in the wrong direction...say that statement or scripture verse over and over...every day until you begin to believe that instead.  Get in the Word!  If you believe that everything in the Bible is true...then search out how God defines us...and root yourself in the truth.  We are to live in the world but not of the world...meaning that we have to live in the world...but we can not live by the world's ways.  We have to live by the Word of God.

Today the number on the scale...it was just a number.

Today the Word of God...is my value.

If I can support you in anyway by praying for you...speaking truth to you...sharing the story of God's restoration in my life...please leave a comment or email me at redefinedbeauty@gmail.com.

In love,
Teresa

Our lives are full of moments. Some of those moments represent happy, fun, or exciting memories. We hold on to those memories and they give us joy. We look back at them as adding something good to our life. They might make us smile or take us back to a sweet time from our past. But some of the moments we encounter are hard. They might be hurtful or scary. They might have been traumatic and overwhelming. They might be something that we have can’t let go of and are causing us to be trapped in our past.


I had a conversation about this with one of my daughters today. Sometimes we camp in the past. We pitch a tent and have booked an extended stay. I know what it’s like. I spent most of life camped in my past….camped with a tent made of shame and guilt and stitched together with threads of fear. This tent was where I felt comfortable. To the outside world it seemed insane to live there. My daughter had a great experience with some wonderful people who she thought would be in the same position for a long time. These wonderful people loved on her, helped her see how special she was. They opened her heart to God and gave her hope that she didn’t think was possible. But they moved away right at a time when she was at the height of her joy. God used them to lift her up and show her who He was…and the great plans He has for her. When they moved she was devastated. And she has camped there. I understand.

But today the Lord showed me something very beautiful. It was a window. Where she sees a closed door, the Lord gave her a window. God used these people each in a way that would give her a part of who He is. One gave her the hope of great plans and spoke truth and love right to the depths of her heart. She once felt unnoticed and alone and now this one showed her that was a lie. Another told her she was a butterfly…ready to spread her wings for God and fly. She now saw the possibilities of great things…of things to come. One helped her see that she is valuable and needed in the big scheme of things….that she contributes to the church and those around her. Each of those people gave her a view through the window of how God sees her. But the door…it stands behind her…it is the sadness…the fear…the shame…the guilt…the loss…the disappointments…the failures…it is locked tight and much easier to stare at then looking through a window of possibilities.

This window it holds a great view. It holds the view of the Lord in to the world He created for us. A world of hope…of great plans…of value…of love. God wants us to look through the window and not stare at the dark, closed, and old door.

God wants us to look through the window and see the possibilities. As I challenged my daughter to stop knocking at the door of her past…to stop camping in the hurt…and to look at all of the great gifts that God has given us. Yes, when those wonderful people moved, it was (is) sad and it hurts, but they each gave her a gift and if she can just see the gift instead…if she could just hold out her hands and receive the gift…this window to the hope of Christ.

Each of us has a past…some harder than others…but each represents something important in our lives. Will the past be a closed door or a window?

See the possiblities.
See the beauty.
See the great things that God has for you.
Believe it...trust...and find faith and grace in God's incredible love for you.

Look through the window...it has a great view.

Excess

I am participating in a book study over here at www.marlataviano.com.  The book is called 7 An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess by Jen Hatmaker.  I love this book.  I love the content and the author is super funny, relatable, and dives deep in to how to live out the Word of God. 

The book study is on chapter 2 and we are looking at issue of clothing excess.  Just a quick note if you haven't read it:  Jen takes on 7 areas of excess--one each month.  The book is sort of a diary of the process and what God teaches her and her family through it.  She is writing as it is happening so it is raw and in the moment.  She really dives deep in to our purpose here on this earth and how we can really Love God and Love Others...what does it look like when we are imperfect people living in a world of excess and have to have just one more...

Most of you reading know that I lived in a distorted world for most of my life.   I allowed fear, shame, and guilt to dictate decisions and choices.  I lived a destructive life.  I lived in darkness and held most of the events and circumstances that happened in my life in a secret space in my heart.  As a result I tried to hide behind my outside appearance.  I engaged in an eating disorder, I spent countless hours getting dressed in just the right outfit, applying makeup over and over to make sure every part of it was just right, and constantly checking myself in the mirror.  I was NEVER satisfied.  This chapter really spoke to my heart.

Jen chooses 7 items of clothing to wear for the month...7...that is it.  But what she really teaches us through this process is not just to wear 7 items or eat 7 foods for example, but to live our life with our eyes on Jesus and not on ourselves....fight for justice and really love people...God's people.

p 52-53
"Scripture describes the people who drew Jesus' eye:  the poor widow, lepers, the lost and hungry, adulterers, the outcast, the sick and dying.  The already dead. Finery and opulence never impressed Jesus; quite the opposite.  He lambasted religious leaders for their fancy robes, strutting around as if their ceremonial dress had any bearing on the condition of their hearts. 

There is something noble about an assembly of believers in simple clothes, where the lobby isn't filled with people saying, "You look pretty" to one another.  Maybe looking pretty isn't the catalyst for the Spirit's movement.  Perhaps an obsessive occupation with dresses and hair and shoes detracts us from the point of the gathering:  a fixation on Jesus.  When the jars of clay remember they are jars of clay, the treasure within gets all the glory, which seems somehow almost fitting."

How I see that is that we can try to make the focus on what we look like whether it be in clothes or our body shape, our hair or makeup instead of on what scripture says that we are to be known for our hearts and not our outward appearance.  Jesus is not looking for us to look great...he's looking for us to love him and love others.  We don't need to look great to do that! 

It isn't bad to want to want to like clothes or a cute outfit.  I think that it depends on our motives.  We can be expressive without being excessive.  We can express our selves with out having soooo much in our closets.

We spend money on clothes in an impulse.  We spend money on clothes because we want to fit in and wear the latest trend.  We spend money on clothes when we are depressed or hurt to fill a void.  We buy clothes to impress. 

Jen Hatmaker discusses many ways that we can get rid of the excess we have that will bless others...shelters is one example.  She also talks about how our money can be spent elsewhere to help fight for justice for the poor, the orphans and the widows...(isn't that what Jesus asked us to do?).  Read the book!!!  We have so much excess.  If Jesus came to my house right now I think I would be embarrassed at all I had.  I would want to stay out on the porch so he couldn't see it all.  That is not how I want my relationship with Jesus to be. I want Him to have access to all of me.

On page 67 she writes:  "Listen, if my influence is linked to my wardrobe, then my ministry is falsely inflated and built on sand."

I also love (and hate) what she says on page 66:  "The average human gets around twenty-five thousand days on the earth, and most of us in the United states of America will get a few more.  That's it.  This life is a breath.  Heaven is coming fast, and we live in that thin space where faith and obedience have relevance.  ....We'll stand before Jesus once, and none of our luxuries will accompany us.  We'll have one moment to say, "This is how I lived." ...I am determined to make the rest count."

Today I took all of my clothes out of my closet and only returned 1/2.  I am sure I will cry later when I wish I had a certain shirt of pants...but really...some of the things I have because maybe someday I may wear it to some certain event that will probably never happen!  How much money in clothes do I waste that could go elsewhere???

Tell me what you think about one or all of the quotes from Jen Hatmaker's book.  You can visit www.jenhatmaker.com or order her book on Amazon.com. 

Blessings,
Teresa

A Legacy Left

Last night a dear friend went to be with the Lord. This is just a handful of the buckets of messages people are leaving on facebook about our sweet, lovely, amazing friend. She left a legacy.







(Molly)
What I learned from Eileen Marie Osterbauer Fehlen:
Everyone needs Jesus
Pie and prayer restore body and soul
When you see a need, find someone to meet that need
Meatloaf can be edible...
It's OK to come to worship with pink hair and a leather jacket
When in doubt, call everyone "Honey"
Expect the unexpected, then watch God work
Hugs are always appropriate
Love never fails
Buy yourself a red, Mustang convertable for your birthday
If you have leftovers and a package of noodles, you have dinner
The garage is the perfect place to butcher a deer
We were created in a garden, so plant, grow, harvest and eat
The Good Samaritan is not a myth or theory, but to be lived out.



(Pacia)
Our community has just lost a dearly beloved friend/sister/Mom/Grandma/gardener and Associate Pastor of Stanwood Foursquare Church. In the footsteps of Jesus, she preached good news to the poor, she proclaimed freedom to the prisoners, recovery of sight to the blind, release for the oppressed and proclaimed the year of the Lord's favor. She wasn't afraid of hard work, she always had hugs and enco...uragement and deep, meaningful prayer for everyone. She spear-headed all kinds of outreach ministries for the community and the world that fed and comforted hundreds, even thousands! I am so thankful for the many times she came alongside me when I needed a partner in prayer. Eileen Marie Osterbauer Fehlen died suddenly this week. Many hearts are devastated by the loss, but we know she is enjoying an eternal hug from Jesus... and some well-deserved REST!!!! Rest in peace Sister.



(Vanessa)
People are in our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime." - wisdom given to me from Eileen Fehlen on our way home from cooking for a weekend Men's Retreat. May her legacy of love live through us.

(Jeanne)
Very early on Sunday mornings, this women would pull into the street that faced my bedroom window and flash her lights into my room. As I quickly woke up and looked out my window to see what was going on, this red convertible would speed away. It was her way of telling me to get out of bed and get to church. When I would get to church, she would look at me with those big eyes and smile and very innocently say "It is so good to see you this morning Jeanne." Eileen I have so many memories that make me smile.



(Amy)
My heart is breaking for my dear friend Eileen. She has been my Stanwood mom when I haven't had family around. She prayed for my womb when we wanted children, she prayed for my children when it was time for them to come. She has changed this community with her love and heart for Jesus. I cannot think of one thing she has not had a hand in. From foster care to free clinics, she helps with her hole heart. I need her and love her so!



(Courtney)
Can I be like you when I grow up?



(Kelsea)
To an amazing woman who showed the world to love without reservation, give selflessly, and garden with the best of them: Eileen, you will be missed by so many. May we continue your legacy by the way in which we conduct ourselves in our own lives. Much love to my Fehlen Family on this sad day of loss.

(Anna)

You are deeply missed Grandma Pie :) You left an incredible legacy of love, laughter and how Christians should daily live out Christ love.... Everyone who met you fell in love with you and felt welcomed and like we had always known each other, like family. Stanwood will not be the same without your contagious smile.

(Karen)

She taught me that Christ is here on earth in others. She also taught me that we are all children of God no matter what our circumstances in life. I am so going to miss my friend.

May I learn to live my life as well as Eileen.

I love you Eileen.
Teresa

Love God and Love Others

This weekend I went to downtown Seattle with two of my kids and our great friend. If you are not from this area...Seattle has a very diverse group of people. Seattle is only an hour away from our house, yet it seems like a different environment all together. If you are in downtown Seattle there is so much to do from the aquarium to Pike Place Market, shopping to sight seeing, parks to boating.

When we found out we were given an amazing gift of going to Seattle to see the Beauty & the Beast musical and staying overnight in a hotel, our family knew that God would want us to give back his blessing. One day God placed on my heart to collect items to make Care Bags for the homeless. So we put a plea out on Facebook and to our church that we wanted to collect certain items to fill some bags. We asked for: new socks, deodorant, soap, Kleenex, hand wipes, granola bars, trail mix, crackers, fruit snacks, etc. In fact we were able to get a lot more with the money donated. We got the portable packages of tuna, raisins, shampoo,toothbrushes, toothpaste and so much more. We found the extra large zip lock bags which hold 2 gallons and filled 8 of them full with "goodies". I wrote a Jeremiah 29:11 on a note card and on the other side wrote a short note...each was different...I prayed over each one and then put one in each bag.

Saturday we left our hotel room with 8 large bags in hands...asking the Lord to guide us. We met Daniel first. He wanted to know how much it cost. Free we said. He looked at the bag and began to list out items he saw. We asked if we could pray for him and if it was okay to put our hands on him as we prayed. So on that street corner we prayed for Daniel. Then we met Donald who was playing his trumpet and was thrilled to hear my daughter Madie played the trumpet. He told us all about his trumpet and showed us the dent and how old it was, but how he loved it. He was full of joy and talked to the kids. We prayed for him. Later we saw him and he played Amazing Grace for us. Then there was Lisa who was reluctant and quiet, but took her bag. Then we met 19 year old Cherokee who was married to Jaron. We left a bag for her friend Jamie who had had left his bag and would be right back. We prayed for all of them. Then we met Ted. He took the bag but did not want prayer. We prayed for him as we walked away. After that we met Star. I could write a whole blog on Star...she touched me heart as I looked her in the eye to see the despair and vacant look she had. She had no hope. I wanted to sit with her all day to reassure her and tell her how beautiful she was. After Star we met Rodriguez. He wasn't homeless, but shining shoes. He was full of personality. He didn't want a bag but wanted prayer. He was fun and full of joy. The last person we gave a bag to was Coreen. She was crying and sad, but all dressed up in her old fur coat and red hat. She said it was her birthday...but I think it may be her birthday every day.

There are so many people who are lacking hope. Who can't see joy. Who are in despair because they feel alone. Many of the people we met we joyful when we talked to them, but for Star and Coreen and Daniel and Lisa...their life was hopeless in their eyes.

Later that day we came across a man who was preaching the Salvation message on the sidewalk. He had an easel with a very large diagram he had drawn and he sat there talking about sin and drawing a visual of sin on one side and salvation on the other and that sin separates us from God...and the bridge to get there is Jesus...Yes...people need to hear this...but he was talking to himself. No one was listening.

And here is all he had to do to tell this same message. Literally remove the poster board from the easel and look across the street to the benches to see the lost and homeless...drop the poster board...go and sit with the people and tell them how God loves them and comfort their broken hearts. Bring hope to the lost. He spent his day with a blinder up...blocking him from what God really wants us to do...which is to Love God and Love Others. Yes, we need to share the message...but who is going to hear if we aren't loving on others.

Really...I wish I would have walked over to him and taken his poster down and pointed to his mission field. I wanted to say...put down your pen and go sit...go sit and show them who this God is that you are preaching about. Show them. Show them. Show them.

I am a good talker.

I want to be a servant.

Enough Said.

Love you all....

Please pray for my dear friend Eileen and her family. I will talk about it more later...but we may lose from this earth one amazing servant of the Lord...and although I can't mess with God's plans...my heart breaks at the thought of her not being here.

Teresa