Let Go so that we can Receive

In the post http://teresa-henry.blogspot.com/2012/10/letting-go.html I talked about letting go of some of my possessions in order to earn some money to pay my bills.  God often asks us to let go in order for us to be open to Him, to be free of material stuff in order to be free to serve Him. 

This month the Lord has asked me to give so that I can receive more from Him...not material things...but His love, His plan, His purpose...more of Him.  When our hands are grasped around things, then they are often closed to Him.

Something that the Lord asked me to give up was a group of Willow Tree angels that I loved.  I talked about them in the post above.  When I looked at them, they represented hope, healing, courage, and wisdom.  But God reminded me as He asked me to give them up, that He represented those elements.  He was the only source of traits.  He is my healer.  He is the source of my courage.  He is the place I go to for wisdom. 

I remember the day after I sold my things.  I didn't miss any of them, except my angels.  It took me a few days to really understand what God was teaching me.  I cried.  I was sad.  I missed them.

I told my sister Leah about having to sell some of my material things...and that I was sad, but knew that it was just "stuff".  I worked hard to understand that.  She replied to me that her mother-in-law once told her "If God provided it once, he can do it again."

So I thanked God for all I had and decided to trust.  As the week went on I realized that the things I let go of did not define me.  Every time I saw the empty spaces of what I let go of I was reminded of how big our God is.  I was reminded that I will trust Him and He promises to always be with me.  I was reminded that as I let go, I made room for what I was suppose to be focus on...Jesus. 

One night about a month ago I had a very short dream.  As soon as I opened my eyes I knew that God had a message for me.  I dreamt that I was standing in front of Mother Teresa.  It was just her face and mine.  She looked me right in the eye, raised her hand to my eyes and said "keep your eyes on Jesus".  That was the end of my dream.  Every day the Lord reminds me of this dream.  And as I let go, He reminded me again..."Keep your eyes on Jesus".  And my eyes readjust and I trust Him.

And God provided.

This week in the mail I received some boxes and in them were these precious items:

My sweet and generous friend sent me new angels.  God provided once and He did it again.
I let go. 
And was open to God.  I kept my eyes on Jesus.
He cares about the details of our lives.
He wants us to trust Him with everything, knowing that He hears all of what we want, need, hope for.  He gives us what He knows we need and throws in a treat now and then.

Thank you Becky.  You are a true angel.
Your gift meant so much to me. 
I still am in awe of how much God cares about each of us.
Blessings,
Teresa

The Search for the Key.

Just a quick note:  this post is long, but I hope that you will take the time to read it!

So often we search for the answer to the things we face in our life...depression, our past, sin, grief, fear, shame, acceptance, love, our identity.  I did this.  I searched.  I went from one thing to another just to have someone tell me or show me that I was "acceptable".  Soon I carried around a load of sin, a pile of a past, situations and events that choked the life out of me.

As I went through restoration and healing, the Lord gave me this story...I remember the morning I wrote it.  I went for an early morning walk.  I was telling myself how awful my body looked...even through I knew in my heart that my body didn't define me...I was bashing my life..."what if I hadn't gone to that party, made that choice, dated that person, married that person, betrayed that person...what if".  I came home and sat on my bed, grabbed my journal, and this is what I wrote:

The weight of the past dragged behind her.  It was like dragging around a suitcase that was stuffed so full it could barely shut.  It was heavy. It was bulky.  It was impossible to pick up so it up so it had to be drug behind he.r  It was connected to her by chains that resembled handcuffs.  There was no key to be found.  It was attached to her with no hope of being released.  Some days she walked through the day, but forgetting what was even in the suitcase.  It was just so heavy.  Some days the heaviness was evident from the moment her eyes opened in the morning, while still lying in bed, too tired from the weight to swing her legs to the carpeted floor.

When would she find the key to unlock and release this suitcase from her body?  When would the heaviness leave her so she could move with ease and grace?  When would she get through her day with the ability to focus on others instead of the weight of the stuff dragging along with her?  She was so tired. Her body hurt.  Her heart was deflated.  Her strength was gone.  Her vision was blurred.  Her hearing was impaired.  The path in front of her seemed over grown with weeds.

The talk of moving forward seemed impossible.  The talk of making it through the day seemed like too much work.

Where was the key that would unlock the heavy burdens?  Where was it hiding?  She had looked everywhere.  Her friends didn't have it.  Her family didn't have it.  Her kids didn't have it.  The world that promised they had it really didn't. The person she trusted with her heart said he had it, but he never really did.  Who was holding on to the key?  Why couldn't she find it and just unlock the chains?

One day the Word of God was given to her.  It was full of promises.  The words were amazing.  The stories were fascinating.  The emotion was overwhelming.  She read that book over and over.  She heard others speak about it.  She picked up book after book that expanded on it.  She sought counsel to help her understand it.  But that suitcase was still there, dragging behind her. 

Some days it felt lighter as though a piece of its contents were taken out.

She asked over and over to the people she trusted..."When will this be over?  When will I be free?  When can I stop dragging around this heaviness?  I am so tired.  I want it to be over."

The more she read the Word of God that had been given to her, it began to seep in to her hear.  Many days sh read it and was so happy for the other people that it was meant for.  She knew they were loved and blessed.  She knew they had hope, mercy, forgiveness, and grace.  She prayed for them.  She began to speak truth to them.

Years were going by.   Days were piling on top of one another.  The weight of the "suitcase" was beginning to steal her life.  Not just her physical life, but her emotional and spiritual life.  She realized she was adding to it little by little as each day went by.  As soon as one thing was gone, she grasped on to just a piece of its fabric because it was all she knew.  She couldn't let the whole thing go or she would feel naked and alone and she would not know who she was anymore.

She wondered why she would want to hold on to the things that hurt her so much...the things that made her sick, that made her cry and sad and feel paralyzed.

As the Word was planted in her heart she wondered, what if each time she took something out of the suitcase she could just give it to Jesus.  What if she not only have it to him, but she told him she trusted him to throw it over his shoulder and never to give it back?  What if she really believed that he would take it?   What if she really believed that when she held on to it so tightly that she was being selfish and self absorbed.  What if she really grasped the idea that Jesus walked to a cross knowing he was going to die a painful death, just to save her.  What if she realized that as he was walking to that cross, he was NOT thinking about what she wore yesterday or what her physical appearance was, but he was picturing what her heart looked like?

What if she knew He was praying that she would realize that he loved her so much, that he was going to die for her?  He longed for her to realize that He was the way...the truth...the life.  He longed for her to know that He was the only truth.. He never wanted her to have all of those burdens or all of that weight that she drug behind her.  He was grieving with each step he took up to that cross knowing she was going to go so long with out realizing this.  He thought about her with each step he took.  And even though he grieved over he length of time she would chain that heavy suitcase to her, He rejoiced in the day she would hear the Word and realize that it was written for her, that the moment his flesh died, she was set free.  He rejoiced int eh day she realized that the lies spoken to her were lies and that He was "truth".  He rejoiced in the day when all she knew she had to do was love hima nd know he loved her back.

One day she stopped looking down and started looking forward.  One day she knew that she couldn't drag around that weight anymore.  One day she knew that when Jesus was walking to that cross it was her he was thinking about too.  It wasn't just her friend or the person sitting next to her.  And when she bean to realize that and really understand it, she looked at Jesus from a different view and there she saw it.  His hand was extended.  It always had been but she hadn't seen it.  All she could see was the suitcase.  She wasn't looking forward, she was looking behind her.  It was there all along.  Jesus knew she would see it one day.  He held out his hand the whole time, until she was able to get him in to focus.

And it wasn't even a key he was holding in his hand.  But what she saw as a scar...a wound that had healed.  She had searched her whole life for a key.  A certain size or shape or perfect fit to unlock the chains.  Nothing ever fit.  She was searching for the wrong thing.  Jesus had it all along.  His scars.  His love.  His forgiveness.  His patience.  Him.  It was Him.  It was the walk to the cross.  It was the sacrifice He made.  It was the death of his flesh and the resurrection from the grave. 

His scars were the key. His scars are the key.

Her hand extended and touched the scar...she said she could see it.  There was no excuse anymore to not see the scars, the love, the sacrifice.  She had been reading about it, talking about it, sharing it with others, but she never really grasped the concept of the scars for herself.  As soon as she understood that there was no ther choice than to believe it for herself, she felt the chains begin to break.  At first she wanted to run back and grab on to that suitcase for dear life.  Everything she based her existence on for more than 40 years was in that suitcase and without it what would she clothed herself in?

But Jesus said look at my scars.  He said I love you and thought of you with each step to that cross.  He said if you will take my hand and touch my scars you will now be "clothed in strength".  You will now be free of the chains and I will tell you which way to go when you "stand at the crossroads".  That suitcase is no longer needed.  That weight is no longer there.  Let it go and take my scarred hand and know I did it for you.

"For the Lord will go ahead of you.  Yes the God of Israel will protect you from behind (Isaiah 52:12)  He is ahead of you...he is behind you...protecting you...guiding you...loving you...you are forgiven.

The key is the SCARS...the key is the love...the key is His forgiveness.

This is God's story of restoration.

This post is the story that was posted on www.makingmuchofhim365.com on Nov. 7th.  I added one section toward the middle.  I just wanted to post it on my blog as well.  It is a story of God's redemption, restoration, and healing available to all.  May God's love be felt like a blanket wrapped around you covering you in warmth and protection.

I remember the day I heard about the Lord.  I remember what I was wearing, a red sweater and black pants. I remember where I was standing.   It was March 11, 2001.  I was 34.   I began to read my bible like crazy.  I learned scriptures, went to bible studies and retreats.  I plugged in to the church and fellowshipped with other believers.  I began to teach in children’s ministry.  I taught the children all about the bible, told them how much God loved them, and made sure they knew how precious they were to God. 

But all of the scriptures, all of the promises, all of the love…I  believed they were meant for those children, my friends, my neighbors, but not for me---the one with secrets locked inside…the one who was ugly and dirty and bad.

I spent my life hiding.  I spent my life searching for the “thing” that would save me…accept me.  Even when I came to know the Lord, I still searched, because surely all of those beautiful words that I read in the leather bound book could not be meant for me.  Not the one whose family I grew up in was broken and where fears and secrets were present.  Not the one who was 15 and went to a party and was raped—the one who never told anyone and slapped on labels such as ugly, dirty, and guilty.  Not the one who sought love through intimate relationships. Not the one who had a baby without being married.  Not the one who had an abortion---and then another.  Not the one who wore shame, guilt, fear, and disgust all over her body.  Not the one who dated who ever asked her out.   Not the one who was date-raped—who never told anyone.  Not the one who would not eat for days on end just to create an outward appearance that looked in control even though her insides were falling apart.  Not the one who took laxatives to get rid of all of the ugly inside of her and stuffed her face but purged it all out just to feel empty.  Not the one who married someone because maybe that would make her life different, but ended up in divorce.  Not the one who found God but still made an immoral decision that cost her relationships, trust and respect.  Not the one who decided to punish herself and wanted to die, who ate nothing or almost nothing for days until she weighed so little she had to go away and leave her kids.  Not the one who could only see the words ugly and hate and guilty and unforgiveable and disgusting written across her face when she looked in the mirror.  Not the one who had to be in the hospital---the psych ward part of the hospital-- for 12 days and hated herself.  None of those words could be meant for her…

But God sent me people who continually spoke truth in to me.   One was a Christian counselor.  I came to her office with secrets shoved in to the dark parts of my heart.  One day my story---it all came out in this desperate need to be free.  My story, the words, poured out so fast that they stumbled and tripped over one another.  For years the memories, the sin, the hurt, the pain that captured the essence of how I saw myself pushed and fought against the prison wall of my heart.  But I was able to open up and let it all pour out and the darkness was exposed to light.  This person who heard all of my words…all of this darkness, she loved me anyway. She accepted me anyway just as Christ does.   

 (The following is an addition to the story posted earlier.  It shares the entire assignment my counselor gave me).

My counselor gave me an assignment, one that would change my thinking forever..  The homework was to go home and draw pictures of how each event in my life make me feel.  Simple.  Draw.  I am not an artist but I loved to draw simple pictures to symbolize things.

            I had no idea what I would draw.  I took  a stack of white paper and a pencil.  I sat in front of my gas fire place with a magazine on my lap for support.  I thought for a minute about all of the things I revealed to this woman.  I began to draw—fast and without much thought.  It wasn’t until I was done that I even noticed what ended up on the paper.  There was one page for each event that the enemy used to steal bits and pieces of my life.

            I piled them up and put them in a folder.  When I met with my counselor she asked me if I did the homework.  I began to pull the picture out of the envelope.  I think I really looked at them for the first time at that moment.  I noticed what actually made its way to the paper.

            They were images of me without a mouth, limbs in the wrong place, a square head, absent of eyes or ears.  The outline of the images I drew were smudged and faded.  These images, they represented who I saw myself as. 

            I had a distorted view of who I was.

 

She also asked me to draw a picture of myself as God saw me, not how I saw myself, but how the bible said God saw me.  There was no way around it.  He saw me clean.  He saw me beautiful.  He saw me forgiven.  He saw me free.  Little by little I began to believe those words in that leather bound book were meant for me too…that Christ died on the cross for me too.  I began to believe that Christ stripped off all those labels and made me clean.  I began to see myself not through the distorted view of my past, but through the clear image of Christ.  I began to walk in the truth, memorize scripture and believe them for me.    

Our past can choke us.

Our past can hold us in chains.

But I am living proof that there is freedom in Christ.

Now I know I am forgiven.  I am of value.  I am His Child made new through my faith.  I am free.

John 12:46 “I have come as a light to shine in this dark world so that all who put their trust in me will no longer remain in the dark.”

Sharing my story

If you are visiting today from  www.makingmuchofhim365.com/ welcome!
If you are just checking in  today I am over here today  www.makingmuchofhim365.com/          .
(The story may not be posted until later in the day on Wed...so keep checking!)
(I am still working on my blog design so excuse any unorganization!)

 Many of my insecurities came raining down on me this week as I anticipated the publishing of my story.  I say my story even though I know it is God's story...but when I write it out and present it, I allow the enemy to tell me that I didn't make sense, that I didn't say the right things...all of the critical comments that echo in my ear.  But regardless of me or what I do...God is the star of the show.  He restored and redeemed my thoughts and my identity...He took all that was destroyed and made it new.  He lifted me out of the pit I jumped in and set me on solid ground.  What I wrote is just a summary of my testimony...it only gives bits and pieces. But this journey through life..this story...it is God's story...it is a story of darkness turned to light. 

Are things always easy? No
Do I always look in the mirror and see the person God created?  No
Do I always talk true and pure things to myself and only listen to the truth? No

But what I do know is that regardless of how I feel, God never changes.  God's love never changes. 

One of the most important parts of my story is when all of the secrets, the shame, and the guilt became exposed to the light.  When I was able to take all of the things that were stuffed deep inside that choked the life out me...when they were spoken...When they were out there...in the open...in the light, the weight of it all began to lift.  The veil that blinded the truth was lifted.  The lies that were shouting in my ears every day, they were quieted...I want to say they were silenced, but I am still learning to fight.


The following is an excerpt from a book I am writing.  This part of the story starts when I met with my counselor at the eating disorder treatment center and for the first time told my whole story.  Most of it had never been spoken before..almost all of it was stuffed so deep in my heart that I wasn't sure the words would come out.

My life now exposed was suddenly out of the dark and in the light.  The light.  Finally.  My breath that was before so hard to find, that I sometimes had to force in and out, now seemed to flow with ease.  The darkness that swallowed me up and hid me from he truth now had a stream of light shining through.

John 12:46 "I have come as a light to shine in this dark world so that all who put their trust in me will no longer remain in the dark." 

How can exposing all of the darkness--the dirty, ugly places of our life--be good.  How can we share what burdens us, ugly or dark or shameful and think for a moment our life will be any better?

Genesis 1:3 "Let there be light and there was light.  And God saw that light was good.  Then he separated the light from the darkness."  God said light is good.  In this scripture we see that light and darkness are separated.  Light is good. 

If you are feeling shame, guilt, darkness, fear...know that God is light.  He already knows what has happened in your life and He loves you.

If you have darkness that is choking you...keeping you from living the life God has for you...I encourage you today to find a Christian counselor or a person who will speak godly wisdom to you.  Maybe you first need to write out your story first...so that you can see it all written on paper...expose the darkness to the light.  God did that from the beginning.  He said light is good.

A few scriptures to meditate on regarding light:
"The Lord is my light and my salvation, so why should I be afraid?"  Psalm 27:1
"Your Word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path."  Psalm 119:105
"...but even in the darkness I can not hide from you."  Psalm 139"12
"This is the message we heard from Jesus, and now declare to you.  God is light, and there is no darkness in him at all... But if we are living in the light, as God is in the light, then we have fellowship with each other, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, cleanses us from all sin" 1 John 1:5,7 (emphasis mine)

The ultimate glory goes to God.  I shared this part of a devotional with some of my friends yesterday, but wanted to share it again. This comes from Oswald Chambers in his book My Utmost For His Highest.  "If you are going to be used by God, He will take you through a number of experiences that are not meant for you personally at all.  They are designed to make you useful in His hands, and to enable you to understand what takes place in the lives of others.  Because of this process, you will never be surprised by what comes your way."  

Blessings!  May you feel the showers of love that God is raining down on you today!

expectations, comparisons, and analysis

Five teenage girls...maybe sixteen years old...sat circled around a small cafe table.  School was over for the day and their minds were full of the what had happened over the past 6-7 hours.  Their eyes spoke of insecurities and expectations.  Their words they spoke of comparisons and analysis of the girls who walked amongst them today at school.  "Their hair...".  "She wore...and always looks..." dominated the conversation. They spent over an hour of their time criticizing, analyzing, describing others.  I listened as I worked.  They sat in the cafe part of the grocery store where I work.  We are close to the schools and are often a hang out place at the end of a school day.  I was covering that area of the store this day.  I wanted to pull up a chair and sit with them.  I wanted to ask them about what those girls are like...not their looks, but their behavior and integrity.  What were they like as a person?  I had so many questions...why are you so fascinated to spend an hour of your day talking about the clothes, the hair, the boyfriends, the cars of these girls...an hour of their day. 

They are teens...I know...this is normal.  But why is it normal?  It is normal at my age..at any age really. We want to compare.  We want to analyze.  We want to see if we measure up and fit in.  Are we good enough?  Do our clothes or hair look right?  What will others think?  So we break apart the other person...the one who seems like they have it all put together.  What would they do?  What would they wear?  What would they eat?  What boyfriend would they have?  What do they drive?  We want to emulate another person or group of people.

I remember in school wanting to be able to talk, act or dress like some of my friends.   They were so outgoing and I was quiet.  They knew how to have fun and I was afraid of trying things.  They wore cute clothes and had cute bodies and I didn't know how to find my own style.  They...They...They. I wanted to be like them.  Not like me.  I wanted different hair, a different body, a different personality.  I wanted to be liked and accepted.

I wasted so much time wanting to be someone else.

God made me ME...for a reason. I didn't know that.

God made me ME...with a plan in mind.  I didn't know that.

God made me ME...with brown hair and 5'5" with a size 8 shoe.  He gave me blue eyes, a mole on my chin and the side of my nose.  God chose for me to be born at this period in history.  God knit me together with a careful design so that I could serve him in the way he wanted.  But for so long, I wanted to be someone else and change this carefully designed body. 

We aren't someone else.  We never will be.  We will always be the one that God created in the perfect fashion He chose.

Those girls...what if they could have spent that hour...talking about how they are going to use their gifts to serve others...to spend time with others...to do something for others...to speak edifying words over another person.   We all can be like these girls...we want to huddle up at a table and see if everyone feels the same way. 

God wants us to emulate Him.

Today I am going to focus on Him.
Today I am going to put aside my desire to be like someone else...and to be like Him. 
Today if I speak about someone it will be words of encouragement.
God gave me a specific amount of time on this earth.  I want to use it well.

The girls walked away and I have thought of each of their voices since then.  I want them to know that they are perfect and they don't have to compare.  I wonder if I wasn't working that day...would I have been so bold as to pull up a chair and had a conversation with them...an encouraging view in to who they really are...lovely young ladies created for a purpose.

Lord give me a spirit of boldness.
Lord help me speak truth and encouragement to those around me.
Lord help me see the truth of who you created me to be.

You were created for a purpose...perfect the way you are. 

Blessings.

Expectations

Good Morning!

It is 5:25 in the morning.  I have been up for a about a half hour but my mind is still a bit groggy.  My daughter Madie is in the shower and I am waiting for my turn.  She is in a program called Running Start.  This program is available to High School students what are juniors or seniors.  If they qualify they can attend community college classes for free (except books) and earn their Associates Degree and High School Diploma at the same time.  There is an option to do part high school and part college, but Madie chose to do all college classes.  She loves going to college.  The teachers treat them the same, in fact they do not know which students are running start or regular college students except for the fact that most of them look younger!  They are college students.  In the morning, Madie rides the community bus up to the school and sometimes she rides it home.  All of this is new to Madie and such a big step.  Yesterday she had her first mid term.  We have had many tears during homework...writing papers and analyzing text at college level...but she gets up every morning excited about going to school.  This is a huge change for a girl who literally covered her head with her blankets, "hated" getting up for school and was an angry mess every day.   The students at the college accept Madie as she is.  They include her in their discussions, treat her with respect and talk to her with out judgement.  She has longed for years for this. 

Don't we all long to be accepted...to be included...to be treated wtih respect...to be talked to? 

We long for people to look at us and believe we have it all together...we are smart, fit, doing something important...approval.  This morning this has been heavy on my  heart.  I want to be free of that.  I really want to wake up in the morning and not wonder if I am approved or disapproved by people, but living my every day life for God.  I am already approved by God. 

How do we abandon our desire to live up to people's expectations?  How do we keep our eyes focused on Jesus instead?

The world's expectation (or for the most part):  Look a certain way.  Accomplish much.  Acquire stuff.

Jesus' expectation:  Love God.  Love others (our neighbor).

The world's expectations keep our eyes on ourselves.  The expectation of God keeps our eyes off of ourselves and on the needs of others.

I remember a time when I could only dwell on my past, how much time I had wasted and that I wasnt' doing what I thought I was suppose to be doing (ok...I still do that sometimes)...And a woman with godly wisdom asked me "Did you do today well? Did you love God?  Did you love others?" 

My hope is that today you will "do today well" by loving God and loving others.

Blessings.

(note:  I started this message yesterday morning and am finishing it this morning!   It may be a bit scattered!)

Letting Go

Letting go.
Is hard.
Letting go.
Can hurt.
Letting go.
Giving somethings up.
Is hard.

I need to pay my bills.  My hours have been cut.  The Lord said He will provide.  I have been tithing.  I haven't always done that.  Maybe when I "could" based on how I felt.  Now I write my check as soon as I get paid.  Letting go...giving with cheerful heart....knowing God will provide.

I don't have many valuable things in my home.  But I have things I love.  Things that I like to look at and know that are in my house....Like my Willow Tree Angels.  The ones I purchased when I was in treatment for an eating disorder.  I bought one at a time.  Each one has a name on the bottom...mine sat on my shelf..I saw them every day.  Courage.  Healing. Health. Love. Prayer. Wisdom.  Each time I bought one I was in a different place in the healing process.

I have bills that need to be paid.
I am a single mom. 

They are just things. 

A platter with scripture swirled around the edges.  A bag of books.  Wood blocks with encouraging words.   A wrought iron server.  Two hangng wrought iron candle holders.  Two trivets with words of faith.  My angels.

I had to sell them
I had to let go of them
It was hard.
It hurt to hand them to somene else and know I wouldn't see them anymore.
I thought it wouldn't be hard.  They are just things. 
But it was.
I wanted to be strong and tough and all holy...

But
they are just things.
They are just things.
And God does provide.
The money I needed.  It came.  I took some precious items and let go of them,
And God provided.  I let go of my money and tithed and God made a way.  I had to let go though.
I had to give something up first.
It was hard.
Those angels...I loved them so much...but I they are just things.  just things.  just things.
I still have courage.   I still have good health.  I still have wisdom.  I still am healed.  I still am loved.  Even if those angels aren't sitting on my shelf.  I had to let go to receive.  I had to let go to give room for God to do His work.  I had to let go so that I didn't put things ahead of God. 
They way the money came...it was only in a way that God could have fashioned.  It was only in a way that God created.  All of the items were listed individually.  Someone took it all.  She asked what I needed.  She wrote me a check.  I gave her my things.
I tithed....I let go.
I sold things that I loved...I let go.
I let go...and God provided.

"In the same way, those of you who do not give up everything you have cannot be my disciples."
Luke 14:32-34

If I believe everything in the Bible...then I get to let go so that I can give and serve and share faith.