In an earlier post I talked about some of the steps I have gone through to move toward freedom from my past. I have to say that I often have to repeat and remind myself of one or some of the steps. I think that it is important to know that we may have to do that. It is easy to see ourselves as failures if we start to fall back in to a pattern or if we find ourselves struggling. The enemy wants us to think that we will never change or that we are failures yet again. But that is just a tactic of the enemy. We can overcome and we can fight back and we can grasp back on to God knowing he will bring us back. We must understand that we daily have to surrender our will to God and daily rely on Him to keep us going on the path he marked out for us.
Do not be discouraged if you find yourself slipping. As soon as you discover it is happening, cling on to God as fast as you can. Don't get down on yourself or spend time in discouragement. We all find ourselves there at times.
So, back to my earlier post...I wrote about separating past events in our life from who we are. This was a major milestone in my walk to freedom. I was reminded of that this weekend when our pastor mentioned that we are not the events in our lives. I found myself wanting to jump our of my seat and yell out to everyone that "He is right! Really he is right. I did it! It is true!" Have you ever had those times in church or when someone is talking and you want to validate their point because you know by experience what they are saying is soooooo true?
Sometime early in the year, my counselor asked me to do a "homework" assignment. She wanted me to draw pictures of myself and separate each event, how it made me feel, and then draw myself as Christ sees me. I took the assignment very seriously and I am going to try to figure out if I can get pictures of them and post them here....but being a non technical person, you may have to wait for a book!
When I started I had no idea that this assignment would mean so much to me. First I listed out the events that had the most impact in my life. To you it could be events or moments when words were spoken that hurt, or it could be something that you witnessed. To me I listed out rape, abortion, alcoholic family, divorce, the immoral decision I made, eating disorder. Then I drew myself in the most simple way I could (I am NOT an artist). As I started to draw each picture, I realized that each event distorted the image I had of myself. I drew myself with a square head, a zigzagged body, arms coming out of the wrong spots. I used colored grey chalk and rubbed the image so that it was a bit smeared. Each event as it happened had distorted my image more and more, so as I drew each image it became more and more obscure. Around myself I wrote the event and the feelings that attached to me because of it...such as shame, guilt, fear. I did this for each event. Then on the last picture, I drew a brightly colored picture of myself with a cross that surrounded me...whole, new, bright, joyful...the way God created me. After I drew all of those, I realized that each thing had done something to who I say myself as. So I drew one more picture of myself and this time instead of lines that outlined my body, I used words of the events that created the outline of myself. That is who I saw myself as. I didn't see myself as anything other that those events. I was not a person, but I was events...I was a portrait of events. Not only did I see myself this way, I felt everyone saw me this way. This is one of the main reasons my eating disorder devloped. It masked the failures, the hurt, the shame, and became what I thought was a disguise.
As I started to look at the pictures in order and really examine them, I was able to see each event as separate. They weren't just one jumbled up mess that I defined myself as anymore. I was then able to take each event and work through it individually. It wasn't so overwhelming anymore. And as I began to work through each event, I could see over the mountain. The big mountain became stepping stones. The stepping stones were easier to work through one at a time. I could separate the events from who I was and see myself instead as God created me. Those events did not define me. I let them define me. They had become my very existence. But now I could see it.
I encourage you to write things down. See where you have let the enemy lie to you about who you are. And begin to see yourself as who God created you to be. Let those events strengthen you and realize that God does not see us as those, but as he originally created us. Find a mature Christian, a pastor, a mentor, a Christian counselor to help you work through these if needed.
It was and is a process that I have had to work through over time, but it has been so worth it! When my pastor was speaking on Sunday....I was jumping up and down on the inside, knowing how much truth he was speaking!
Allow God to work these things out in your life. Maybe it was one event, one word spoken, one thing you witnessed....maybe it was more....it doesn't matter...the enemy will use whatever is thrown his way to try to change our view of who God defined us to be. Cling to God's view. Surrender today to His definition of who you are.
Email me if you need help with this step. teacher_tres@hotmail.com It is a freedom step. I will be praying for you...really I do and will.
"...Be diligent so that you receive your full reward." 2 John v 8
In love,
Teresa
Thanks for sharing your story!
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