A piece of my heart...

I am sharing a section of a chapter from my book I am in the process of writing ...a very unedited section...and will add the next part of the chapter tomorrow. I would love any comments or editing help!

From Dark to Light
It was a rainy day in March of 2008. My thoughts raced in a constant battle that came from the depths of darkness in search for something, anything that could soothe the pain. I sat in the small waiting room that was filled with people who were hurting and searching and trying to find their way. Some were talking to each other just to pass the time. Some were reading a book. Some were silent. I wondered how they got to this place away from family and friends. I waited. I wondered. I agonized over being away. I had left my children to come here. I walked away for weeks.
Every one said it was for them….so I could be a healthy mom and be there for them as God has planned. But to me all I could see was the battle. I left my kids. I was convinced that I was a bad mother. I was lost in darkness, sadness, fear, guilt, and shame. I looked outside and watched the rain hit the window. Inside, amongst the noise and light, I shrunk in to my chair and waited. I opened my Bible. I brought it with me. It was all I had.
The Center: A Place of Hope and Healing. That is where I was. Parked in the waiting room. A glimmer of hope would be nice. Healing would be good. A Place of Hope and Healing. The website says it is a place to find recovery from eating disorders. I couldn’t see any hope. There was so much more than an eating disorder. Didn’t they know that? All of it…was locked up inside…in the dark so no one could see. Hope. Healing. Please Lord, I need both of those.
I opened to Psalms. Psalm 38. I don’t know how I found it. I don’t remember why I landed there. But I read. “My whole body is sick; my health is broken because of my sins. My guilt overwhelms me-it is a burden too heavy to bear. My wounds fester and stink because of my foolish sins. I am bent over and racked with pain. All day long I walk around filled with grief.” (Psalm 38:3-6) I read further. “I am on the verge of collapse, facing constant pain. But I confess my sins; I am deeply sorry for what I have done. (v17-18) Do not abandon me, O Lord. Do not stand at a distance, my God. Come quickly to help me, O Lord my savior.” (v21-22)
A woman called my name. I am not even sure I looked up. I don’t remember standing up. But I remember climbing the short set of stairs that seemed like a mountain. I remember walking down the hallway to the corner office. I remember walking through the door and the woman closing it behind us. The room was small but bright. There was a big window on one of the walls. I sat in the big sage green chair. It was one of those chairs where you want to take your shoes off and pull your feet under you, lean your body on to the big arm and sink the rest of your body in to the cushion below you. I remember that chair. I sat in it many times over the next year. I looked forward to that chair and the person sitting chair across from me.
I took off my shoes off and my legs curled under me and I leaned my body in to that chair. This day I felt the comfort of the chair, but not the comfort in my heart. I battled darkness. I battled fear. I battled shame. I battled guilt. I battled in my mind every second of the day. I was “on the verge of collapse”.

Blessings,
Teresa